Everything is so epic really

Bigbang is having going to have their concert first time in Malaysia during their Alive Tour.

And I has no money nor time nor authorization nor transport.

*sobs*

I'll just have to wait for next time, whenever far away that reality may be. :/
I love them so freaking much and I'm going to love them more and more. That's a fact.

xxx

The dance competition is today, and as you can see, our participation is canceled. I bought all sorts of materials to make props and accessories just for the occasion, so they shall stay in the cabinets until crafting days come. Which is a year away. Oh well.

As disappointed as I may be, its gone. It wouldn't go well if we do participate anyways.

It's okay though, I guess, even if it may be the last chance of joining any sort of beginner-level dance competitions. Its not like I'd have the skill to compete yet either.

...

Okay I admit, I'm sad about it lol.

I bought a pretty jacket and finally got myself a hot glue gun(after years lol) during material shopping too, it does do some cure!

xxx

Also, the cancellation gave me time to end the craziness of two out of three huge project school works at once. The explanations of my absence online.

So so busy and tiring, and week without good sleep until the day before yesterday.

And there's still 100 fishies and 5+3 coloured canvas shoes and 8 full step by step process ilustrations to draw for the arts project. Due Monday.

*sobs again*

xxx

I lub being busy. It so frustrating its feels good.

xxx

I being chatting with friends at school about BJDs during Monday. And one lent me a cosplay tutorial book, with a whole chapter covering on BJDs on Wednesday. Can you believe it? The first time seeing something dolly related in real life lol.

To add on that, another friend lent me a copy of Another (anime) on the same day. Juicy horror anime, yums. To my surprise, there are dollies too!! No one could imagine how excited I was hahahahahaaaa

Overeactive oh yea.

But it couldn't be a coincidence that their opening song was sang by ALI PROJECT seriously? Because they sang for Rozen Maiden too ( FYI its an anime about BJDs too).

xxx

As a random note, something about me that people don't really know about me, and as hard as it is to admit,

I have an abnormal liking towards bunnies.

xxx

And its a seriously complete coincidence that some of my Starskull bunnies resembles B.A.P. mascots, the MATOKI or whatever you call them. Yes, its a simple design that may be done to death by anyone but I certainly did not copy. The Starskull bunny I designed during 2010.

The mascots are damn cute, of course ...Maybe make fan merchandise for them? Is it legal to do that?

xxx

...

Daesung's voice is so calming. I need more solos from him on infinite replay :'>

Incomprehensible.

What you seem to other people are how they perceive you.

Making people believe you are what you are, is much more difficult, needs more effort.

Although not impossible, its not easy to keep up an image you WANT others to see.

The best and easiest thing to do is to be your true, natural self.

The most important is how you perceive yourself, what you believe you can do.

Because you can not, change their opinion about you, just what you think about yourself.

But the good thing is, they can't change how you appear to your own self.

Unless you let them to.

==

Sometimes people don't think the world is perfect as it is.

It is perfect, just not in the way we think of it.

It is never perfect for one unless its done HIS way.

Therefore they make alterations, corrections, changes, etc.

To fulfill their 'standards'.

Because humans are selfish.

We want control.

We want credit.



Humans want to be superior.

Too much to notice that they are an embodiment of destruction themselves.

Things are perfect as it is.

Flaws are what humans create.

Because we are the only beings who think we can see the problem,

and its bad that we think we can solve it.

Worse is that we only THINK we can solve it.



The world was perfect as it is.

Just flawed in a way that we don't think it is.

But who said perfection, is the best?



As far as nature is concerned,

the only thing to do is survive.

To top the pyramid,

to be the strongest.



But does anyone remember?

That we cannot survive by ourselves?

When the desire to surpass,

destroys the existence of those below.

Until we know it,

there's nothing below anymore.

Nothing to feed on,

nothing to support us.

What's the use of being on top of the stack,

when the stack is not even there anymore?



Do you remember, to care?

About everything,

all those around,

even those who are weaker,

....

do we all remember?

That we are all but one ?



The chain is as weak as its weakest link.

We are still really, really weak.

Destroying the weak link wouldn't work,

as a shorter chain will be of no use.



So care, take care,

all you that are still conscious and educated.

Always remember that everything is one.

Don't ever harm those who doesn't harm,

just for your own good.



A grasping hand will have only whats in it.

An open hand holds everything.

============================================================================================================================================================================================================================

Oh dears, my mind is trolling me again...please take this with a cup of salt... @@

Tuition, Usual student life, Oppas, and Dollies

So i've signed up to two more tuition classes. Which means I have to stay at the tuition centre for three and a half hours straight every Saturday and Sunday. Great.

Well its not that bad actually. And with extra study reinforcements means less need to study during free time for me yaays

The first class today was Chemistry, and its quite amusing that the teacher calls every student her "darlings". Its quite a surprise to see so many friends I knew in that class, since I only knew one of my classmates attend it, and the other classes I took had not a single person familiar... I was happy that I can meet some of my classmates from primary school(who are also fellow ELFs ) but the fact that the subject and syllabus is confusing took part of the excitement away. And that fact that a class for additional math is scheduled right after that means no chance to chat up with them : /


On a side note, i seem to be more a VIP than an ELF lately, and Bigbang's playlist is on constant replay. As of current, BB posters on the wall outnumber Suju, phone and laptop wallpapers, profile pictures, avatars, fb cover photos are all Bigbangggg~

To my lovely RL ELF friends:
I'm waiting for suju's comeback with their sixth album too...I can't say I don't love SJ or BB so please dears please don't make me feel guilty TwT I love both groups and can't live without them both, voting for the other doesn't make me unloyal okay?

xxx


Anyways, for these few days I had this unreasonable craving to sculpt and create yet another BJD. Yes, I am totally aware that my first daughter is still unfinished and shelved but it takes more time and brain grilling to repair her than making a new doll IMO. Or at least for now.

Then as the crave grows the extra time and peace I have from staying at my cousin's house(they will be outstation for a few days) came to be invested in drawing plans for new doll designs and daydreaming about the production process. As of currently, I had two lines of dolls designed!! In a total of six dolls of varying body size. I'd like to show the plans but it should be kept as a business secret for now : D

I DO have the intent of selling dolls I made myself and I am serious when I say I dream to be a toy designer hahaha. To design collectibles and amusing toys for the mature population, or whatever they should be properly called (because we all know the term 'adult toys' sounds horribly wrong).

So during the three months of waiting for the finals results, I will bring these darlings to life, and hopefully to production.

Though the materials for BJDs are usually resin, I might opt for a cheaper, more affordable material (possibly vinyl) for them. Do my best to earn them a place higher than those bobble-headed Pullips and Blythes (no offense, they're lovable).And maybe make them into something like Gundam kits, to let people assemble them with their own hands and risk getting bootlegged .

There are even plans to sculpt heads resembling our handsome oppas. I have a list of those ulzzangs ready too.

But as for now I hadn't really any materials or money anyways so in the midst of desire there came this idea of making something for someone, and satisfying myself in the process, so I offered my manga class sensei a commission, to make him a personal customized OOAK BJD of one of his own characters ^^

On a discount so big that he'll just have to pay for clay since its primarily to settle my 'unease', to hone some skills in sculpting, and also to fulfill some other desires, like feeding my dA account a decent Deviation. It's some sort of kick start for my dolly empire too! Of course I'll do my best job at it.

Such nice for my brain to think of such a good idea which makes everyone happy. I am in unexplainable ecstasy now : >

...Okay maybe not my loving parents who notice I'm not studying hard enough.

I promise to study really hard everyday so not to jeopardize my studies, and for the sake of not feeling guilty while sculpting, and make it the recreation time I earned through being a hardworking student for the week!! Fighting!!

Oh and this: (warning, don't watch if you have a distaste for highly realistic dolls, or have not a stomach from the Uncanny Valley.)

Such a talented artist. Such a beautiful doll. Such great skills. Although his works creep me out at first, i'm loving them more and more now.

STILL ALIVE

I'm livin' that, I'm livin that good life--

okay maybe not really but I am still alive. But the net community had pretty much forgotten my existance, to the extent that even my internet modem thinks I'm dead lol

This might be not an official return because there's still three days left until holidays end and I'll die off again to the study corner in despair. Because the half year exam before holidays means result will come out right when school reopens. And I assure you I didn't do even a decent job at it. And--

 OH SHIT.

I TOTALLY FORGOTTEN.

HALF YEAR RESULTS = PARENTS DAY.

MY PARENTS GONNA SEE THE HORRIBLE RESULTS.

...

Can't believe I'm still here drawing out a plan for another home-made dolly when I'm supposed to write my will lol.

xxx

Dance practice for these two weeks are unprogressive. Crew members refuse to show up for practice. Choreography is unfinished. Then again we don't have the confirmation letter for the competition yet, and there's still a chance for canceling the participation for studies. 

As a leader of the dance crew, I'm a total failure. Can't believe I just wrecked another chance of performing. We haven't even done a single official performance under our crew name yet. How I wished I had started dancing since 2008. Then I'd have more chances without having the pressure of the final exams. How the hell will we get a chance of performing as a crew now? After the finals, graduation, after that we will go down our own routes and continue education and... and...

I don't want it all to end now.

....

 And it won't, because I said so.

I don't care.

Future To-do list

There's a lot of interesting things that are attracting my thoughts lately... well most always did but due to some obvious reasons they are to be postponed to the not-so-near future T.T Studying, exercises and classes precedes them...

In case I will not be overwhelmed by the sudden free time and end up doing nothing at all  by then, here's a list of things I want to do, after graduation. Bet it'll turn out quite long, but if it doesn't there'll be more updates later.

Objective 1: Earn lots and lots of money and get the BJDs on my wishlist ! Under the condition that I only spending 1/4 of the money earned on dolls, half on savings, and the rest goes to either other things, extra savings or to my parents.

Sub-objective: Get a new tablet to replace the damaged one, and materials for arts and crafts. Achieve by doing traditional art.

Below are my options~

• Do art commissions
• Get a part-time job (one that give partial social interactions will be nice)
• Make and cast my own dolls to sell
• Customizing shoes, caps, helmets, files, laptop covers etc etc
• Make badges, stickers, merchandise, fan items
• Sell crafts (Plushies !!)

Then the rest of the list is comprised of more personal goals, in no particular order~

• Make tiny-sized (<30cm), easily customizable and affordable BJDs
• Finish a short manga
• Finish a short fan comic
• Learn a programming language (Java/Python/html...)
• Designing toys, as newer versions of olden toys (the kind our parents play with when they're small)
• Change out the tasteless wardrobe. Shopping!!
• Learn to cook (as a cook's daughter I'm a disappointment orz)
• Learn to style all sorts of hairstyles and do makeups
• Sew a dress
• Get a budgie or a roborovski hamster
• Learn to drive (though I might not want to drive)
• Compose three dance music and choreograph them
• Lose fat (not weight)
• Afford contact lenses
• Read lots and lots of novels (and catch up on all those popular ones)
• Read lots and lots of comics (FMA, Baccano, Kuroshitsuji, Dogs, Bleach, Spice and Wolf)
• Get an ipad/iphone
• Learn to play the guitar/bass and drums (I am very convinced I have good rhythm lol)
• Make an art book
• Get a humongous plushie
• Learn Japanese... and Korean...
• Watch BOSS
• And lastly, to attend the concerts of BigBang, Super Junior, and B1A4 for at least once each. (Bigbang's concert at top priority because it might be the only chance in life to meet the holy five gods, and B1A4 because I just have the need to see Jinyoung's handsomeness in real life lol)

There'll also be all the other important aspects of life to deal with too, of course. Oh dears, the list is so long, I wish they'd give me a whole year of holidays to complete those ...(but its impossible).

Listing them out makes me want to start doing things right now...but instead I have to forget about all of this until next year, damn!

Random Nonsensical Life Recording

Heyo.

As you've might noticed, I've been on an unnotified hiatus and again, sincere apologies, but I might still do that through the course of this year so you have to bear with it for a while :D I'll be a free person again at the end of the year, around mid-December.

As you can see, I've returned the blog to the previous template. Changed the font because it freaking resembles my handwriting and I love it love it love it.

I wanted to update this blog for so long now.
Today I came back for some more self-centered talk.

Starting from May, I've taken up tuition for the sake of the examinations. Extra classes. Seriously.
Yeah it's not big deal for most of the students but there has been no such thing as that in my life since stress and depression + laziness has kicked the whole lot of it down the drain when I was ten. I had a strong detest of classes outside school and it even spread to skipping extra-curricular activities.Thinking of all the crucially useful things I could learn (and not lose precious skills) and the socialization I could get from those classes make me regret it badly now. The regret grows worse as the classes now are far more than enjoyable. They are more or less the most exciting hours in the week : >

It helps by having no memory of the daily life during the course of primary schooling. I only remember portions of facts that are certain, and what people tell me. Well I SHOULD be happy about that, no?

Anyways, tuition are exam-savers. It saved me from failing every single subject tested. Damn, my studies are going down the stinking drain , down and down until this. I was an A student. I was. I need discipline very badly.

One other big problem is, I have been reduced to that state where constructing a single sentence in Chinese became a tough task. Writing a full-length essay near impossible. Believe it or not, the test on Chinese essay writing burned through my brain and left it dysfunctional and insane for a whole hour that day. Good thing it was the only paper for the day for my class, if not there'll be another addition on the long list of failed subjects.

We are currently having the two weeks worth of middle-year holidays, and half of it has gone dancing and eating instead of studying like crazy. Emphasizing on the eating. People must have no idea how much of food can one eat for a meal. I'm having double portions than usual and people want me to have more seconds. Aside from that all those junk I eat outside.  And I claim to be dieting despite filled to the throat with food. At this rate I'll get horridly chubby by next month. As of current, my dinner is eagerly waiting for a reappearance.

I noticed that members of my family have some problems understanding the meaning of 'keeping calm'. As much as I'd like to talk it all out here, its more of those family problems that shouldn't be addressed publicly. But since I can't really talk any sense into them without racking up another thunderstorm, I'll just keep those to myself and try talking to Coco instead. Who, by the way is my stuffed dog. She'll understand, yes.

Oh dears this is getting depressing. Food is too much to keep one happy now.

Whatever. Keep being happy anyways. I found that it vanquishes all those anger and releases other's tension on those stupid small matters. No matter what happens. Stay happy. Show that you are happy. It might make you look like a gay retard but I bet they'd rather see that idiot making others happy instead of splashing them with more kerosene.

It was a miracle today that my lovely mama gave me the freedom to roam the tiny local mall of few boredom today. It was a quest to search for accessories and clothing for the Disney My School Rocks competition with some of my fellow crew members, but before starting the adventure, we made a trip to the cinema and watched Bella and Thor (or the more official name "Snow White and the Huntsman"). It was interesting but so so predictable. The end of the show is like waking up from bed, so refreshing. Then we walked around and I bought some shoelaces and a chain. Those few strings it broke both my habit of obsessive window shopping, and budget. I can't has new shoes now *heartbreak teardrop* Then for more sugar intake with a cuppa of coke. And another pair of shiny shoelaces.

After that I thought of making a baseball bat as a dancing prop since the real thing is as rare as shit to get locally, so papa brought me to the hardware store to buy some actual bigger and harder materials that I don't often use. New things and a plan that certainly works and an excuse for crafting ! Feels refreshing :D

Oh and surprisingly he got us a new laptop and printer on Monday, giving me a two-week span of stress-less full days to use them. Now to work some art to earn a new tablet !

I can't express the joy and relax I'm experiencing from the sudden materialization of such costly items.

Aside from the fact that I woke up shit early today caused by the nightmares of primary schooling. I thought I successfully forgotten those, what the hell. I can still feel the tension of that behind my neck, making uneasy turns at the thought of morning. Ugh.

I bought a new sketchbook two weeks ago, but have yet drawn anything presentable. I have the need to complete  a piece very badly but I have no idea. Now what?

I notice that I have been buying a lot of things this month. Need saving up and hoard every cent from now on. Or I'll never get my pretty dollies.

There's another doll on my must-buy list now, Iplehouse SID Lee in RealSkin. Awfully sexy big doll <3 ha~

Been listening and downloading the whole load of BigBang songs too <3 And Block B's Nanrina ... the beats somehow expresses my excess rage perfectly.

Can't wait for BigBang's new song~ Monster ~
They have released teasers of all members except Daesung. Oooh that's really teasing =w=

^^^^ See all that stuff up there? yes that's how my mind works. It jumps randomly without flow and its annoying the hell out of the little writing aesthetics i have left, and I'm not excited about it :)

Today....ah...lets just say my emotional side was not being too appreciative to the other few sides of myself. To put it blatantly, it has an immense dislike towards me. Yes, it is only the problem of that particular side, because my random side and rational side are conscious and are trying hard to shut her up lol

The thing is, since two years ago my mind won't stop reminding myself about almost everything for any given time I am trying to think. Thanks to that, my head is always filled with jumbled up thoughts about random insignificant or unimportant stuff which highly affects attention and thinking efficiency.

Nothing can go on without being uninterrupted and nothing can go in order. Right now in the inconsistent mind you can find bananas, drama, self-blaming, irresponsible thoughts, food, rational thinking, dances, drawings, kpop, unicorns and on and on and on. Its giving me and my grades a very very hard time now.

 And now its trying to blame it on people i know whom i shouldn't blame on because irresponsibility is bad and the problem that i can't think straight is still not solved and i should be doing my homework because if i shouldn't my mom would be even more mad than the teachers who don't really see a problem with it but there's the problem lies even though i know it is actually my problem that i wouldn't want to admit but its so depressing that these thoughts bombard continuously that i should try ending it right here. There.

There are still so many things that i want and wish to do, but all that my mother forbids for the sake of my grades and my future. Not that its bad because I tend to do a freaking lot of irrelevant stuff instead of what I should be doing, which believe it or not has been going on for years. But thinking about that future coming my way at light speed, I can't help but imagining that I'll be stuck in an ice-cold cubicle typing away the whole day and returning home tired and depressed just to be knocked out by sleep, and waking up the next day just to rinse and repeat. Then I'll get so horrendously fat that my mom wouldn't recognize me when i get the rare chance to go home during weekends. The only 0.001 chance of getting more free time and money is to study very hard by sacrificing what makes me feel alive. The thought of that is so damn depressing. Why the hell won't my optimism work at times like this?

Raaaaaaaaawr. Go away all you evil thoughts!! \(>3<)/

Gaah.

So the thing this time is. My friends have the thought of cosplaying at school for the co-curriculum day because since we are the Art Club, it would be a very fun way to be walking posters for our club. (I have dance performance that night too.) I was reluctant about the cosplaying at first because of the time and cost we needed to invest in the middle of study, but my friends were excited about it. Half  of the art club committee were not really Japan-ifans though, so I asked if some other friends would play along. With that some other closer friends were delighted at the idea too, which made me so happy, since i get to try my first time cosplaying with geeks as crazy as myself!! ...we made a lot of plans on where to get materials and printed reference pictures for making the costumes....

...until I told my mom, who wholly agrees with my rational thinking. End of happy story. Now I just have to apologize to everyone for giving them false hope of playing together, and cancel every promise and appointment made.

On the bright side, there's less of the hassle and I get to study more, which now seems to be an all-kill option designed to shoot me down from cloud nine without fail every single freaking time, as beneficial as it is. I really don't want to hate studying. Because I love studying too.

xxx

Somehow lately I have the constant feeling that everyone dislikes me. They seem to find me annoying or so much a douche but will not say it because of the usual politeness. As much as I'm afraid of being scolded, I'd rather to have them swear in my face every time they feel like it instead of being nice to me 24/7. To put it bluntly, by being nice they make me feel like a bad person and do not deserve all the good they offer.

vvvvvvvv


Enough of the bad side, now for accomplishments!

1--I finally had the courage to converse decently with my teacher, in English!! Hooray!! Oh dear pineapples I've should have tried doing that years ago zzzz

2--I got cool grades for this time's exam!! (because I am certain that they do not certify as "good" grades lol)

I scored A's for half of the subjects and failed the other half!! How cool is that??!

Well, actually only 75% and above qualifies as A's but I got 74% for freaking THREE subjects (oh the ironies) so i decided to consider them as As. AYEs. *continues to deceive herself*

3--And I finally succeeded to hand up a Chinese essay on time!! Yays!! (Well, not that I haven't done that before, but succeeding in handing up 1/5 essays that the teacher assigns is not that bad either, no? since my classmates never even acknowledge the existence of essay homework...)

4-- Oh and I had enough sleep yesterday!! no more feeling narcoleptic! Good for me!!

Achievements achievements kekekkeekeee
Gotta keep them up! x)

Yays.

The feeling of failure. ugh.

The arts and designs I've been creating for a variety of uses have been very disappointing to myself. Everyone else still thinks that the things I design are good, pretty and even awesome, but inside there's this conscience whispering repeatedly, " its sloppy, and the lazy ass artist could have done much better with a little more effort. it could have looked much better. it could have been much more awesome. you didn't do enough. you could have done more. you could have given a little more effort..."

It scares me that somewhere behind all their nice comments, there are a lot of complaints, big parts of the work needs to be corrected, but they should not try to demotivate their beloved friend by saying the work sucks. They have a good heart, they care a lot. But the repeated praises and the lack of critique... I need all the cursing and complaints on the work so much now... I wish they would just say whatever comes into their mind, whatever fault they see in the designs I stayed up nights for.

The praises are too much. The drawings need more work, more color, don't just accept it just because I am the only one responsible to make the design... Changing my designs one by one... they could have told me to make another design entirely, telling me that the original was crap, they will get a better artist for it, anything.  Just say it to my face. Just say it.

Ah. But the feelings. The politeness.

My designs for the shirts was piles of sloppy crap.

xxx

Although it was a week-long holidays it was jammed-pack with activities, especially our uniformed unit's year camp, a.k.a. the annual intense exercises lol. Three days straight of being part of the committee for camps took the hell out of my body. So so dead tired.

I've never tried to be hyper and happy for so many days at once. The forced laughs has become natural and  happiness and excitement can actually be felt, even if it was made from thin air. Being happy is all self talk, and it was merely a choice after all!

These two days were also the first times interacting with so many people within three hours. Maybe I can break away from my cold and quiet self? Being host of the base games during both the year camp and a big-scale combined camp was quite challenging xD The big camp was a failure though. The controlled hype today died out and the depression kicked in at the last hours, making me the only one missing out the huge group shot for the big camp, in the other room, listening to Big bang's songs and drizzle accompanied by blowing winds, basking in the the only atmosphere that feels like home---- solitude.

Because. The smiling faces of humiliated failing, is intolerable.

xxx

Tomorrow's the last Sunday available for sleeping in from now onwards. After all that mess of high, finally I get to spend the last day of my holiday tomorrow...

.... doing homework. Juuuust great.

Rapparaparaa~

The bruise is blooming like a flower,
just by the hour,
pain , feels more sweet than sour

Blood, losing its way,
spreading out till the end of the day,

running, under the thin, skin,
freeystyle flowin, delicate threadin,

Through a maze, not a gaze, onlooking idiot in a daze

sidetracking over the edge of veins, doesn't even matter knowing what it means,
crawling across with blue and greens, anatomy is more than human genes

xxx



Its raining again, moist trickles down your window,
conscious slowly slips as the strong winds blow

its pouring again, cold awake,
see the ancient trees crying by the lake

Walking down the lonely lane, freeing yourself to keep you sane
Feel the cool air freeze and stain, this is what you'll get in the town of rain ♥

xxx


People sleeping soundly, 
rain falling down as I hear your voices loudly, 
in the night
where I hold myself tightly, 
thoughts will fly.
thinking about you again,
can't deny. 


bright streets under dark skies, laid beneath were subtle cries
(everybody really thinks that a true heart tells no quiet lies) 

tired of his childish game, 
but never sick of empty fame
(hoping that nostalgic songs will still appear and stay the same) 


=================
maybe i can learn rapping? hehheheh =w= feeling unusually creative last night but only half of the product was good imo

it was a happy, crazy day at school yesterday, had dance training on malay dances. can't stop laughing at each other's failure to keep up, wonder if we can manage a proper dance for the performance at the end of march lol

we were training in the empty main school hall after school, but I can't stop flailing my arms around wildly and keep because of getting so hyped up, so I ran around the hall trying to kill some energy while amusing my friends, but hit my knee trying to jump onto the metre-high stage orz I didn't think it was a hard hit until i see the colourful bruise blooming happily on my knee =3=

it rained heavily from yesterday afternoon until this morning, I was just lucky that my house is on higher grounds, cause some of my friends homes were flooded, but thats what you get every few months in Taiping, oh well... : /

Gaah. Finally the first semester tests are gone with the wind! yaaaaay! *liar liar you liar there's still a last subject tomorrow* who the hell cares about civic test (which other country has such a test anyways) lalalaaa xDD

With the tests over and a week's holiday coming around, I can finally do some drawing and watch videos of Bigbang & 2ne1 in peace, how good is that! Maybe with the extra free time I can even do some bit of revision *lol you have no clue about what priority means, do you* Kyaaaa -after all that cramming for tests(you do mean books, instead of videos?) I really want the rest ~~~

I'm so super hyped today, watching an episode of Strong Heart with BB on it left me laughing hysterically for the rest of the day xDD Never expected that Daesung be such a master gagman xDD I haven't really felt like laughing for around a week now because of the tests but the latest episode of Running Man yesterday has put an end to all the miseries <3 No wonder my cousin is a loyal fan of it!!

Daesung is now officially my main bias xD (Sorry hyukkie~)

xxx

My school has reached it's fiftieth year in existence! Congratulations! But the reason I care so much is because they held a competition for designing the golden jubilee logo... where the 1st place winner gets 300 RINGGIES IN SOLID CASH!! There's even a hundred bucks for the third place!! ---right when I am getting money-crazy, which is good! As a *cough* skilled *cough* artist in school OF COURSE I'm entering!! 

The ending date was actually today but my lovely art teacher extended it xD Thankyouverymuchhhh  <3 she even showed me what the other contestants turned in!! They did a good job too but their work doesn't really look like logos to me : / more like posters xD

Worked my ass off for it today *nope, ass still intact.* . High wishes but no hopes lol

But it's good, right? 

Phoenix and a dragon for year of dragon muahaha~ there'll be additional printed font underneath it but it doesn't matter for now ^^

xxx

I need to do hardcore revision during the holidays now. Sitting through three hard subjects in one day really make you wish you can just jump off from a building right after that. It makes things easier that my exam seat is right at the front door of the classroom facing the balcony-corridor, three storeys from the cold fresh ground after a cool rainy day. Just the thought of that ignites the desire to try free-falling xD

xxx

I noticed that I have been avoiding people very much automatically these weeks. The friends I used to talk to don't seem to notice me for the while either. Not that I'm trying to be cold, because i yearn for any interaction with my classmates. Its so easy, yet there isn't any idea how to start talking to them... Being quiet (or ignorant) for a whole year despite being classmates, meeting everyday... its so awkward. My communication skills has been reduced to a tiny pile of basic vocabulary. Socially handicapped. I can change but I haven't. This is blatant self-torture. 

xxx

What are the basics of entertaining others, anyway?

Shall you help me find out?

*chases sad pigeons away*

There. Happy.
xxx

Now continue with Bigbang's epicness <3

Long, long days

These past few days has been very slow and filled. The long time since days like this, almost made me forget that they ever existed anymore...

Today was Art Test. Oh gawd. Painting was never an easy thing for me. What the piece turned out to be will make people think I must be color-blind lol ( color blind people might even color better =.=;;) It actually sucked the soul out of me too, but somehow after the test I feel like waking up from sleep xD

My friends invited me to play "Draw my Thing"  on facebook yesterday midnight. Things like this never really happened before and I had a good time! their undecipherable drawings were hilarious, accompanied by their random comments about everything lol

Bigbang on running man is finally broadcasted!! But I didn't even finish 10 minutes of the episode, didn't have time... there's still English, Additional maths and Physics tests tomorrow... Need to study, study and study more. As much as I want to write more there's no time...

My cousin just got married lately, and we were invited to their wedding, so there's a need to keep a record of the past few days^^ I'll do it by parts though, I can hardly keep my eyes open now...

3/3/12
Substitution school day to make up for the additional holidays during new year~ this week's is for a Friday, which means school ends early ^^

I woke up at 4.30 am in the morning just to make out time to get my hands on BigBang's full album, despite having little sleep with tests starting today~ I will go great length for them talented lovelies, and their music is worth it <3

Went around school hanging out with friends. Trying my best to get out of loneliness. Giving effort to that. Fighting!!

After school I hobo-ed around my aunt's house for the afternoon. Spent time surfing the net for more kpop heheh. I should be studying instead.

After that we all went to my cousin's wedding dinner!! Oh dears how pretty they are. A young perfect couple ^^ The seats we sat at were right between two huge-ass air conditioners. Frozen in front of the never ending dishes that come one after another. So damn tiring.

My brother got us a few heart-shaped helium balloons there too. Had a first try inhaling helium kekekeee the chipmonkey voice was hilarious xD

Got home exhausted. Then they said we are going to head out to the couple's new home for some traditional rituals. Great.

xx

Sorry but I'll post more about the wedding nest time, now for some sleep.

...

I claim not to understand a lot of things, but my subconscious can explain every single subject without missing detail. Some times my conscious can do that too, but with tremendous doubt. Oh what a failure.

--

There are a lot of people that I find highly admirable. To a weird extent maybe? It must be my subconscious again, not wanting life to be miserable, it will be much more easier to live when you like much about everything.

--

Social wise, I'm much of the one at the receiving end of entertainment. That actually explains a lot. Greed, lust, sloth, pride, fear... It needs effort to be in the middle of attention. Or maybe I'm just not good with words.

--

I love attention, but scared of the responsibility, and the consequences that comes with it. The power of influence towards others...

--

I try hard to have an excuse for everything. I don't want to be wrong so that would cushion me when I am. Does irresponsibility thrives in fear? If then I'm such a coward.

--

Its so hard to focus in anything lately. The only things I can focus on are listening to BigBang's songs, watching SuJu... and drawing, the lasting love of my life <3

But my life is much a of a mess.

--

Stepping into my teens, I've got to take control, take responsibility, grow up, grow thicker skin, meet a lot of people, go a lot of places, learn things, build skills... instead of keeping myself in and dwelling in fear and , doubt, and mistakes. That's right. I can't do that.

--

Also, I sleep too much. 

--

What does the future have in store for me?

No.

What have I in mind of my future?

Its mine. I have to grasp it tightly.

--

Damn, losing focus again.

--

...

--

Why do you fear everything? Get bruised, lady!!! (or maybe a scar would work better.)

-----------------

Statements.

Today, was a day I couldn't really describe. I feel so happy, excited, but horrible at the same time. Still feeling as tired as if staying up all night despite having more sleep than usual. The walls and shields I usually put up against every other people in this world somehow disappeared. The thoughts that were never brought up nor told to anyone else, are now shouted directly at others, without any worries of the consequences nor outcome, without even holding back. Something I always wished to do, expressing without doubt nor guilt. It must be the inertia of insanity accompanied by lingering tiredness.

The frustrations caused by my sloth and indecisive state... that haunted me for so long has finally hauled me down the drain. What  I will become of in the future any more? everything seems so easy yet hard at the same time. How do people go through all that? I do know, just so confused. Just like knowing all the directions, but not where to head for. 

The song that BigBang brought out today is beyond beautiful. Listening to it brought me to tears on this frustrating day. 

No matter how much other groups can impress, BigBang is the only one that I can make me live and heal from wounds and sadness with their music. 

Their songs can reach people's souls. That's why.

I just want to cry everything out in a corner of a dark room, with this song on repeat.

Our own lives are worth much more.

Hmmm, they say that facebook and social site of sorts are making people more and more depressed. I don't think I can disagree with that. When we see all those happy thoughts and photos about other's life we can't resist to compare it with our own lives, no? Colourful scenes, joyful moments and smiling faces... It makes our own life seem so monotone...

Well maybe we just can't stop taking things personally in terms of expressing our thoughts because expressing IS personal. Reading and seeing things through the web feels much more closer as "personal learning"? Or maybe just for me, since everything that happens just don't feel special nor real to me anymore...

Not that I want to make anyone feel bad but after seeing blogs like this: http://myrollingstar.tumblr.com/ my life seems so dull and my mind so shallow hahaa (btw her drawing skills is to die forrr)

But as sad as the situation is, there is a solution to all this depression and envious thinking, and this solution, is actually very very simple.

Just. Stop. Comparing. 

With Others.

Stop comparing yourself to others and just compare ourselves to ourselves. that way we can find our own flaws and acknowledge what we're good at. It is also very rewarding when you find how much you have progressed since a while ago. That way we can easily spot our own flaws and improve, instead of forever drooling over other people's success or what seems to us as "perfection" or "superior"(which is what I'm doing lol).

It is also a way to put your mind back where it should be and focus on what you SHOULD be doing. Look closely at your OWN life instead being nosy about others' lives. It will turn out to be much more prettier. :D

 (note to self : just what the hell are you doing when you are supposed to be studying?!! Thought you said to focus? Stop facebooking and get your ass back to work!!) 

It is indeed strange that I still wade around in problems when I consciously (and obviously) know the answers to my misery. I guess I just need to say it to my own face to actually get the will to put things into action.  Blogging helps in that way. Which is good. : D

Now back to studying. :d

I am such a disappointing person. Do you agree?

Watching the page views of my post climbing and dropping ever so patheticly somehow make people think that way. But seriously I am, much contented with my progress. So just firetruck what people say =3=

I have no confidence, no discipline, not hard-working, no responsibility whatsoever. Well, at least according to my parents lol. They might not have noticed it, but they certainly have made it natural to poke fun at my every unsuccessful "achievements" and insult everything that I adore, which, IMO makes me "humble" in a very unhealthy way, as I couldn't tell people about my accomplishments without having tremendous guilt. =3= Even I try very hard to be happy at the nice compliments all those lovely people give, the feeling embarrassment and shame of myself would be directly proportional to the happiness no matter how non-existent it SHOULD be. I crave of approval so damn much.

"this girl is blaming everything on others again. what an embarrassment."-- what they might say after reading the paragraph above lol I don't mean to do that, really. I love my parents. Maybe just too much to agree on every single comment they have on my attitudes. I DO need more self-confidence LOL

"she's crying again. Oh god. How can you ever tell her about anything. Such a weakling."

Familiar? Yes that is a water bubble. It becomes water when you accidentally touch it.

One of the reasons all my posts ends up being narcissistic rants because I feel that I need a great deal of self-definition -and confidence- that was lost sometime  in the blurry past. I will take my own responsibility and not blame this on my parents, however much my irresponsibility wishes to. Just to cut down on sins.

I don't want to come across as rude, disrespectful and ignorant to people. But then again don't want to really care as well.

...

"she wouldn't listen no matter what you tell her!"

well I did, every single breath. How about you?

They hardly ever listen to what I *try* to tell. They couldn't even notice my comments most of the time. Worse still, being slightly deaf in one ear, my ma just commented about hearing how loud neighbours across the street are talking when watching the telly. Just wow.

But I don't blame it on them either, since what I say would be either unconstructive, unneeded, stupid, idiotic, insulting(okay my bad here), and sometimes redundant. And rendered so quietly so that people won't find it annoying. So that no one could hear it. Which is why I never complain about how many page views I get. It is expressed yet it won't get any attention, so it will not hurt anyone.Tomato theory.

And then everything goes spiralling down.

...

Then again I really need to take a bruise. Or even a cut. And grow thicker skin. Oh just let me have metal skin and regenerative ability =3= and compliment and love others more. This is the first time that I've actually spilled out everything that I kept so long. Profuse self-sympathy finally in black and white. Now I could finally get over all of that misery LOL

Oh dears. What would dad and mum think if they see this? Being surprised and caring about what I think about myself would be at the bottom of the list.

"She's just being useless again."

By that, it proves that they have confidence in me that I will never hurt myself. For that, I am truly happy :) Love you mommy. Love you daddy. Good night people.

Sure.

Fine? I don't feel fine.
 People can be all so comfortable being around friends.
 But instead of being active and energized at the presence of people I just feel so tired.

It's because of all the insecurities looming around my mind which haunts me down to tiredness.
I was never certain about what I know, so much that you can hear doubt
in every word I speak
and even every step I take,
every move I make.

That is why people could not be convinced enough to put trust on me.
 The fear of taking even the slightest bit of responsibility pushes people away in disgust.
I do acknowledge all that but I was too much of a coward to confront it.
Now I will channel every bit of certainty into everything I do.

No more things 'maybe' happening.
No more, 'really'.
Things just happen.
They are and do, certainly.

I can be sure.
I can put more effort.
I believe I can do what I want.

Because I can change.
And I want to change.

But now I just need some rest.

Current status: Zombie

One.

 It has been quite a stressful week, still the start of the year. I don't really feel the stress though, with my ever enjoying mode, but my body tells me that it needs serious calming down, rebooting and sleep, haahha. Panda eyes are turning zombie-ish everytime you see a reflective surface @@

I hadn't been really updating this blog with fresh juice these few days, and the feel for writing didn't appear either. Heck, i hadn't even have a single entry for my personal (RL) diary since school started. The colorful pens can't be wasted just on school notes~!! xDD

Two.

I've been very, very willing to talk (and even being loud) today. Somehow I was able to lead (?) our club's meeting, respond to people whom i normally wouldn't, and accept people that i didn't really like.Which has never really happened before. But somehow I don't think I did good and people look a bit offended.  Because I'm just the kind of anti-social idiot that would not talk even if  I had to. Maybe because of that I feel like shit after all that socializing.  Too much self conscious and self doubt is just that horrible. Such a failure. Just what the hell does people like to hear about?

Three.

Falling in love with your own work is more than amazing. A creation that i started on 2010 which i deserted and almost abandoned, looked so beautiful again by the evening sun. An unfinished clay ball-jointed doll, sitting on my workdesk for almost a year.

 She was not even decent and would even make me puke meals comparing to pretty dolls by professional companies. But somehow she was so beautiful today that i finished her abandoned wig-in-progress. And adjusted the tiresome stringing in her head. And stared at her for only more than 5 hours. Just.

And somehow it didn't even feel awkward anymore, when calling her 'my daughter' ever so affectionately. It did feel very absurd before, and didn't think i'd love her as much. My parents couldn't stand me referring her as their granddaughter though LOL

My daughter is so pretty :D I shall post pictures of her soon.

x x x x x x

Anyhow, I've been seriously sleep-deprived due to the workload (which has an non-existent infinity superscript ) and is very tired since returning from school (on Monday lol). Yet its midnight and I'm still here typing :D

Everyone's working hard. You should be no exception.

Somehow "enlightened" about that sentence right before school started. Maybe that was the cause of my insanity?? lol

Really, other people would have understood that sentence since around 10-12 years old and are quite confident youths by now. Yet I just had somehow more faith in the meaning of it but still I might not hold on to working hard even if I have to. Doing things that I'm supposed to somehow doesn't come by as frequently as it should, and procrastination along with escapism really has been what's going on for like, the past five or six years??

 Dear hells I'm such a failure.

I've been very horrible in self-discipline for quite a long time already, its about time I'm actually determined to change. 

Solving emotional problems

Maybe I try too hard to stay neutral. I never really blame anyone for anything. Because that is just wrong. 

Worse if you ever expressed that you do blame someone. People never like it when others blame them for what they think they did not do. That is why, never blame anyone. 

Even if its someone's fault, never make it look like one. When something actually happens, expressions like "that's how you are" and "you are always like this" will never really help unless the subject has control and conscious over where has to be corrected. Because if they really don't know, it will only create anger and frustration.

People never automatically know where their wrong is most of the time. The fact that we never really do is because we are just human, no matter how much we hate it. We can never know everything. This is why we should correct ourselves if we do. This is also why we should be grateful when others are willing to point out our mistakes.

Sometimes its not easy to change our reactions to certain situations. In my opinion, reacting badly or emotionally to things is certainly normal. Even if we understand where our wrongs are, it might not be easily corrected. Sometimes, changing our opinions to things feels like losing ourselves. But it helps to acknowledge the problem does not always lie in ourselves either?

Anyhow. I believe that we can do anything, as long as we have the faith and the will. Any problems and obstacles, we can overcome.

 

 I don't want to ever lose control over myself. But still, I do. Because we might hurt people unknowingly and even consciously. It feels horrible. Everyone else's happiness is of utmost priority.