Yays.

The feeling of failure. ugh.

The arts and designs I've been creating for a variety of uses have been very disappointing to myself. Everyone else still thinks that the things I design are good, pretty and even awesome, but inside there's this conscience whispering repeatedly, " its sloppy, and the lazy ass artist could have done much better with a little more effort. it could have looked much better. it could have been much more awesome. you didn't do enough. you could have done more. you could have given a little more effort..."

It scares me that somewhere behind all their nice comments, there are a lot of complaints, big parts of the work needs to be corrected, but they should not try to demotivate their beloved friend by saying the work sucks. They have a good heart, they care a lot. But the repeated praises and the lack of critique... I need all the cursing and complaints on the work so much now... I wish they would just say whatever comes into their mind, whatever fault they see in the designs I stayed up nights for.

The praises are too much. The drawings need more work, more color, don't just accept it just because I am the only one responsible to make the design... Changing my designs one by one... they could have told me to make another design entirely, telling me that the original was crap, they will get a better artist for it, anything.  Just say it to my face. Just say it.

Ah. But the feelings. The politeness.

My designs for the shirts was piles of sloppy crap.

xxx

Although it was a week-long holidays it was jammed-pack with activities, especially our uniformed unit's year camp, a.k.a. the annual intense exercises lol. Three days straight of being part of the committee for camps took the hell out of my body. So so dead tired.

I've never tried to be hyper and happy for so many days at once. The forced laughs has become natural and  happiness and excitement can actually be felt, even if it was made from thin air. Being happy is all self talk, and it was merely a choice after all!

These two days were also the first times interacting with so many people within three hours. Maybe I can break away from my cold and quiet self? Being host of the base games during both the year camp and a big-scale combined camp was quite challenging xD The big camp was a failure though. The controlled hype today died out and the depression kicked in at the last hours, making me the only one missing out the huge group shot for the big camp, in the other room, listening to Big bang's songs and drizzle accompanied by blowing winds, basking in the the only atmosphere that feels like home---- solitude.

Because. The smiling faces of humiliated failing, is intolerable.

xxx

Tomorrow's the last Sunday available for sleeping in from now onwards. After all that mess of high, finally I get to spend the last day of my holiday tomorrow...

.... doing homework. Juuuust great.