Showing posts with label narcissistic rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narcissistic rants. Show all posts
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Incomprehensible.
What you seem to other people are how they perceive you.
Making people believe you are what you are, is much more difficult, needs more effort.
Although not impossible, its not easy to keep up an image you WANT others to see.
The best and easiest thing to do is to be your true, natural self.
The most important is how you perceive yourself, what you believe you can do.
Because you can not, change their opinion about you, just what you think about yourself.
But the good thing is, they can't change how you appear to your own self.
Unless you let them to.
==
Sometimes people don't think the world is perfect as it is.
It is perfect, just not in the way we think of it.
It is never perfect for one unless its done HIS way.
Therefore they make alterations, corrections, changes, etc.
To fulfill their 'standards'.
Because humans are selfish.
We want control.
We want credit.
Humans want to be superior.
Too much to notice that they are an embodiment of destruction themselves.
Things are perfect as it is.
Flaws are what humans create.
Because we are the only beings who think we can see the problem,
and its bad that we think we can solve it.
Worse is that we only THINK we can solve it.
The world was perfect as it is.
Just flawed in a way that we don't think it is.
But who said perfection, is the best?
As far as nature is concerned,
the only thing to do is survive.
To top the pyramid,
to be the strongest.
But does anyone remember?
That we cannot survive by ourselves?
When the desire to surpass,
destroys the existence of those below.
Until we know it,
there's nothing below anymore.
Nothing to feed on,
nothing to support us.
What's the use of being on top of the stack,
when the stack is not even there anymore?
Do you remember, to care?
About everything,
all those around,
even those who are weaker,
....
do we all remember?
That we are all but one ?
The chain is as weak as its weakest link.
We are still really, really weak.
Destroying the weak link wouldn't work,
as a shorter chain will be of no use.
So care, take care,
all you that are still conscious and educated.
Always remember that everything is one.
Don't ever harm those who doesn't harm,
just for your own good.
A grasping hand will have only whats in it.
An open hand holds everything.
============================================================================================================================================================================================================================
Oh dears, my mind is trolling me again...please take this with a cup of salt... @@
Friday, June 1, 2012
Random Nonsensical Life Recording
Heyo.
As you've might noticed, I've been on an unnotified hiatus and again, sincere apologies, but I might still do that through the course of this year so you have to bear with it for a while :D I'll be a free person again at the end of the year, around mid-December.
As you can see, I've returned the blog to the previous template. Changed the font because it freaking resembles my handwriting and I love it love it love it.
I wanted to update this blog for so long now.
Today I came back for some more self-centered talk.
Starting from May, I've taken up tuition for the sake of the examinations. Extra classes. Seriously.
Yeah it's not big deal for most of the students but there has been no such thing as that in my life since stress and depression + laziness has kicked the whole lot of it down the drain when I was ten. I had a strong detest of classes outside school and it even spread to skipping extra-curricular activities.Thinking of all the crucially useful things I could learn (and not lose precious skills) and the socialization I could get from those classes make me regret it badly now. The regret grows worse as the classes now are far more than enjoyable. They are more or less the most exciting hours in the week : >
It helps by having no memory of the daily life during the course of primary schooling. I only remember portions of facts that are certain, and what people tell me. Well I SHOULD be happy about that, no?
Anyways, tuition are exam-savers. It saved me from failing every single subject tested. Damn, my studies are going down the stinking drain , down and down until this. I was an A student. I was. I need discipline very badly.
One other big problem is, I have been reduced to that state where constructing a single sentence in Chinese became a tough task. Writing a full-length essay near impossible. Believe it or not, the test on Chinese essay writing burned through my brain and left it dysfunctional and insane for a whole hour that day. Good thing it was the only paper for the day for my class, if not there'll be another addition on the long list of failed subjects.
We are currently having the two weeks worth of middle-year holidays, and half of it has gone dancing and eating instead of studying like crazy. Emphasizing on the eating. People must have no idea how much of food can one eat for a meal. I'm having double portions than usual and people want me to have more seconds. Aside from that all those junk I eat outside. And I claim to be dieting despite filled to the throat with food. At this rate I'll get horridly chubby by next month. As of current, my dinner is eagerly waiting for a reappearance.
I noticed that members of my family have some problems understanding the meaning of 'keeping calm'. As much as I'd like to talk it all out here, its more of those family problems that shouldn't be addressed publicly. But since I can't really talk any sense into them without racking up another thunderstorm, I'll just keep those to myself and try talking to Coco instead. Who, by the way is my stuffed dog. She'll understand, yes.
Oh dears this is getting depressing. Food is too much to keep one happy now.
Whatever. Keep being happy anyways. I found that it vanquishes all those anger and releases other's tension on those stupid small matters. No matter what happens. Stay happy. Show that you are happy. It might make you look like a gay retard but I bet they'd rather see that idiot making others happy instead of splashing them with more kerosene.
It was a miracle today that my lovely mama gave me the freedom to roam the tiny local mall of few boredom today. It was a quest to search for accessories and clothing for the Disney My School Rocks competition with some of my fellow crew members, but before starting the adventure, we made a trip to the cinema and watched Bella and Thor (or the more official name "Snow White and the Huntsman"). It was interesting but so so predictable. The end of the show is like waking up from bed, so refreshing. Then we walked around and I bought some shoelaces and a chain. Those few strings it broke both my habit of obsessive window shopping, and budget. I can't has new shoes now *heartbreak teardrop* Then for more sugar intake with a cuppa of coke. And another pair of shiny shoelaces.
After that I thought of making a baseball bat as a dancing prop since the real thing is as rare as shit to get locally, so papa brought me to the hardware store to buy some actual bigger and harder materials that I don't often use. New things and a plan that certainly works and an excuse for crafting ! Feels refreshing :D
Oh and surprisingly he got us a new laptop and printer on Monday, giving me a two-week span of stress-less full days to use them. Now to work some art to earn a new tablet !
I can't express the joy and relax I'm experiencing from the sudden materialization of such costly items.
Aside from the fact that I woke up shit early today caused by the nightmares of primary schooling. I thought I successfully forgotten those, what the hell. I can still feel the tension of that behind my neck, making uneasy turns at the thought of morning. Ugh.
I bought a new sketchbook two weeks ago, but have yet drawn anything presentable. I have the need to complete a piece very badly but I have no idea. Now what?
I notice that I have been buying a lot of things this month. Need saving up and hoard every cent from now on. Or I'll never get my pretty dollies.
There's another doll on my must-buy list now, Iplehouse SID Lee in RealSkin. Awfully sexy big doll <3 ha~
Been listening and downloading the whole load of BigBang songs too <3 And Block B's Nanrina ... the beats somehow expresses my excess rage perfectly.
Can't wait for BigBang's new song~ Monster ~
They have released teasers of all members except Daesung. Oooh that's really teasing =w=
^^^^ See all that stuff up there? yes that's how my mind works. It jumps randomly without flow and its annoying the hell out of the little writing aesthetics i have left, and I'm not excited about it :)
As you've might noticed, I've been on an unnotified hiatus and again, sincere apologies, but I might still do that through the course of this year so you have to bear with it for a while :D I'll be a free person again at the end of the year, around mid-December.
As you can see, I've returned the blog to the previous template. Changed the font because it freaking resembles my handwriting and I love it love it love it.
I wanted to update this blog for so long now.
Today I came back for some more self-centered talk.
Starting from May, I've taken up tuition for the sake of the examinations. Extra classes. Seriously.
Yeah it's not big deal for most of the students but there has been no such thing as that in my life since stress and depression + laziness has kicked the whole lot of it down the drain when I was ten. I had a strong detest of classes outside school and it even spread to skipping extra-curricular activities.Thinking of all the crucially useful things I could learn (and not lose precious skills) and the socialization I could get from those classes make me regret it badly now. The regret grows worse as the classes now are far more than enjoyable. They are more or less the most exciting hours in the week : >
It helps by having no memory of the daily life during the course of primary schooling. I only remember portions of facts that are certain, and what people tell me. Well I SHOULD be happy about that, no?
Anyways, tuition are exam-savers. It saved me from failing every single subject tested. Damn, my studies are going down the stinking drain , down and down until this. I was an A student. I was. I need discipline very badly.
One other big problem is, I have been reduced to that state where constructing a single sentence in Chinese became a tough task. Writing a full-length essay near impossible. Believe it or not, the test on Chinese essay writing burned through my brain and left it dysfunctional and insane for a whole hour that day. Good thing it was the only paper for the day for my class, if not there'll be another addition on the long list of failed subjects.
We are currently having the two weeks worth of middle-year holidays, and half of it has gone dancing and eating instead of studying like crazy. Emphasizing on the eating. People must have no idea how much of food can one eat for a meal. I'm having double portions than usual and people want me to have more seconds. Aside from that all those junk I eat outside. And I claim to be dieting despite filled to the throat with food. At this rate I'll get horridly chubby by next month. As of current, my dinner is eagerly waiting for a reappearance.
I noticed that members of my family have some problems understanding the meaning of 'keeping calm'. As much as I'd like to talk it all out here, its more of those family problems that shouldn't be addressed publicly. But since I can't really talk any sense into them without racking up another thunderstorm, I'll just keep those to myself and try talking to Coco instead. Who, by the way is my stuffed dog. She'll understand, yes.
Oh dears this is getting depressing. Food is too much to keep one happy now.
Whatever. Keep being happy anyways. I found that it vanquishes all those anger and releases other's tension on those stupid small matters. No matter what happens. Stay happy. Show that you are happy. It might make you look like a gay retard but I bet they'd rather see that idiot making others happy instead of splashing them with more kerosene.
It was a miracle today that my lovely mama gave me the freedom to roam the tiny local mall of few boredom today. It was a quest to search for accessories and clothing for the Disney My School Rocks competition with some of my fellow crew members, but before starting the adventure, we made a trip to the cinema and watched Bella and Thor (or the more official name "Snow White and the Huntsman"). It was interesting but so so predictable. The end of the show is like waking up from bed, so refreshing. Then we walked around and I bought some shoelaces and a chain. Those few strings it broke both my habit of obsessive window shopping, and budget. I can't has new shoes now *heartbreak teardrop* Then for more sugar intake with a cuppa of coke. And another pair of shiny shoelaces.
After that I thought of making a baseball bat as a dancing prop since the real thing is as rare as shit to get locally, so papa brought me to the hardware store to buy some actual bigger and harder materials that I don't often use. New things and a plan that certainly works and an excuse for crafting ! Feels refreshing :D
Oh and surprisingly he got us a new laptop and printer on Monday, giving me a two-week span of stress-less full days to use them. Now to work some art to earn a new tablet !
I can't express the joy and relax I'm experiencing from the sudden materialization of such costly items.
Aside from the fact that I woke up shit early today caused by the nightmares of primary schooling. I thought I successfully forgotten those, what the hell. I can still feel the tension of that behind my neck, making uneasy turns at the thought of morning. Ugh.
I bought a new sketchbook two weeks ago, but have yet drawn anything presentable. I have the need to complete a piece very badly but I have no idea. Now what?
I notice that I have been buying a lot of things this month. Need saving up and hoard every cent from now on. Or I'll never get my pretty dollies.
There's another doll on my must-buy list now, Iplehouse SID Lee in RealSkin. Awfully sexy big doll <3 ha~
Been listening and downloading the whole load of BigBang songs too <3 And Block B's Nanrina ... the beats somehow expresses my excess rage perfectly.
Can't wait for BigBang's new song~ Monster ~
They have released teasers of all members except Daesung. Oooh that's really teasing =w=
^^^^ See all that stuff up there? yes that's how my mind works. It jumps randomly without flow and its annoying the hell out of the little writing aesthetics i have left, and I'm not excited about it :)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Today....ah...lets just say my emotional side was not being too appreciative to the other few sides of myself. To put it blatantly, it has an immense dislike towards me. Yes, it is only the problem of that particular side, because my random side and rational side are conscious and are trying hard to shut her up lol
The thing is, since two years ago my mind won't stop reminding myself about almost everything for any given time I am trying to think. Thanks to that, my head is always filled with jumbled up thoughts about random insignificant or unimportant stuff which highly affects attention and thinking efficiency.
Nothing can go on without being uninterrupted and nothing can go in order. Right now in the inconsistent mind you can find bananas, drama, self-blaming, irresponsible thoughts, food, rational thinking, dances, drawings, kpop, unicorns and on and on and on. Its giving me and my grades a very very hard time now.
And now its trying to blame it on people i know whom i shouldn't blame on because irresponsibility is bad and the problem that i can't think straight is still not solved and i should be doing my homework because if i shouldn't my mom would be even more mad than the teachers who don't really see a problem with it but there's the problem lies even though i know it is actually my problem that i wouldn't want to admit but its so depressing that these thoughts bombard continuously that i should try ending it right here. There.
There are still so many things that i want and wish to do, but all that my mother forbids for the sake of my grades and my future. Not that its bad because I tend to do a freaking lot of irrelevant stuff instead of what I should be doing, which believe it or not has been going on for years. But thinking about that future coming my way at light speed, I can't help but imagining that I'll be stuck in an ice-cold cubicle typing away the whole day and returning home tired and depressed just to be knocked out by sleep, and waking up the next day just to rinse and repeat. Then I'll get so horrendously fat that my mom wouldn't recognize me when i get the rare chance to go home during weekends. The only 0.001 chance of getting more free time and money is to study very hard by sacrificing what makes me feel alive. The thought of that is so damn depressing. Why the hell won't my optimism work at times like this?
Raaaaaaaaawr. Go away all you evil thoughts!! \(>3<)/
Gaah.
So the thing this time is. My friends have the thought of cosplaying at school for the co-curriculum day because since we are the Art Club, it would be a very fun way to be walking posters for our club. (I have dance performance that night too.) I was reluctant about the cosplaying at first because of the time and cost we needed to invest in the middle of study, but my friends were excited about it. Half of the art club committee were not really Japan-ifans though, so I asked if some other friends would play along. With that some other closer friends were delighted at the idea too, which made me so happy, since i get to try my first time cosplaying with geeks as crazy as myself!! ...we made a lot of plans on where to get materials and printed reference pictures for making the costumes....
...until I told my mom, who wholly agrees with my rational thinking. End of happy story. Now I just have to apologize to everyone for giving them false hope of playing together, and cancel every promise and appointment made.
On the bright side, there's less of the hassle and I get to study more, which now seems to be an all-kill option designed to shoot me down from cloud nine without fail every single freaking time, as beneficial as it is. I really don't want to hate studying. Because I love studying too.
xxx
Somehow lately I have the constant feeling that everyone dislikes me. They seem to find me annoying or so much a douche but will not say it because of the usual politeness. As much as I'm afraid of being scolded, I'd rather to have them swear in my face every time they feel like it instead of being nice to me 24/7. To put it bluntly, by being nice they make me feel like a bad person and do not deserve all the good they offer.
vvvvvvvv
Enough of the bad side, now for accomplishments!
1--I finally had the courage to converse decently with my teacher, in English!! Hooray!! Oh dear pineapples I've should have tried doing that years ago zzzz
2--I got cool grades for this time's exam!! (because I am certain that they do not certify as "good" grades lol)
I scored A's for half of the subjects and failed the other half!! How cool is that??!
Well, actually only 75% and above qualifies as A's but I got 74% for freaking THREE subjects (oh the ironies) so i decided to consider them as As. AYEs. *continues to deceive herself*
3--And I finally succeeded to hand up a Chinese essay on time!! Yays!! (Well, not that I haven't done that before, but succeeding in handing up 1/5 essays that the teacher assigns is not that bad either, no? since my classmates never even acknowledge the existence of essay homework...)
4-- Oh and I had enough sleep yesterday!! no more feeling narcoleptic! Good for me!!
Achievements achievements kekekkeekeee
Gotta keep them up! x)
The thing is, since two years ago my mind won't stop reminding myself about almost everything for any given time I am trying to think. Thanks to that, my head is always filled with jumbled up thoughts about random insignificant or unimportant stuff which highly affects attention and thinking efficiency.
Nothing can go on without being uninterrupted and nothing can go in order. Right now in the inconsistent mind you can find bananas, drama, self-blaming, irresponsible thoughts, food, rational thinking, dances, drawings, kpop, unicorns and on and on and on. Its giving me and my grades a very very hard time now.
And now its trying to blame it on people i know whom i shouldn't blame on because irresponsibility is bad and the problem that i can't think straight is still not solved and i should be doing my homework because if i shouldn't my mom would be even more mad than the teachers who don't really see a problem with it but there's the problem lies even though i know it is actually my problem that i wouldn't want to admit but its so depressing that these thoughts bombard continuously that i should try ending it right here. There.
There are still so many things that i want and wish to do, but all that my mother forbids for the sake of my grades and my future. Not that its bad because I tend to do a freaking lot of irrelevant stuff instead of what I should be doing, which believe it or not has been going on for years. But thinking about that future coming my way at light speed, I can't help but imagining that I'll be stuck in an ice-cold cubicle typing away the whole day and returning home tired and depressed just to be knocked out by sleep, and waking up the next day just to rinse and repeat. Then I'll get so horrendously fat that my mom wouldn't recognize me when i get the rare chance to go home during weekends. The only 0.001 chance of getting more free time and money is to study very hard by sacrificing what makes me feel alive. The thought of that is so damn depressing. Why the hell won't my optimism work at times like this?
Raaaaaaaaawr. Go away all you evil thoughts!! \(>3<)/
Gaah.
So the thing this time is. My friends have the thought of cosplaying at school for the co-curriculum day because since we are the Art Club, it would be a very fun way to be walking posters for our club. (I have dance performance that night too.) I was reluctant about the cosplaying at first because of the time and cost we needed to invest in the middle of study, but my friends were excited about it. Half of the art club committee were not really Japan-ifans though, so I asked if some other friends would play along. With that some other closer friends were delighted at the idea too, which made me so happy, since i get to try my first time cosplaying with geeks as crazy as myself!! ...we made a lot of plans on where to get materials and printed reference pictures for making the costumes....
...until I told my mom, who wholly agrees with my rational thinking. End of happy story. Now I just have to apologize to everyone for giving them false hope of playing together, and cancel every promise and appointment made.
On the bright side, there's less of the hassle and I get to study more, which now seems to be an all-kill option designed to shoot me down from cloud nine without fail every single freaking time, as beneficial as it is. I really don't want to hate studying. Because I love studying too.
xxx
Somehow lately I have the constant feeling that everyone dislikes me. They seem to find me annoying or so much a douche but will not say it because of the usual politeness. As much as I'm afraid of being scolded, I'd rather to have them swear in my face every time they feel like it instead of being nice to me 24/7. To put it bluntly, by being nice they make me feel like a bad person and do not deserve all the good they offer.
vvvvvvvv
Enough of the bad side, now for accomplishments!
1--I finally had the courage to converse decently with my teacher, in English!! Hooray!! Oh dear pineapples I've should have tried doing that years ago zzzz
2--I got cool grades for this time's exam!! (because I am certain that they do not certify as "good" grades lol)
I scored A's for half of the subjects and failed the other half!! How cool is that??!
Well, actually only 75% and above qualifies as A's but I got 74% for freaking THREE subjects (oh the ironies) so i decided to consider them as As. AYEs. *continues to deceive herself*
3--And I finally succeeded to hand up a Chinese essay on time!! Yays!! (Well, not that I haven't done that before, but succeeding in handing up 1/5 essays that the teacher assigns is not that bad either, no? since my classmates never even acknowledge the existence of essay homework...)
4-- Oh and I had enough sleep yesterday!! no more feeling narcoleptic! Good for me!!
Achievements achievements kekekkeekeee
Gotta keep them up! x)
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Yays.
The feeling of failure. ugh.
The arts and designs I've been creating for a variety of uses have been very disappointing to myself. Everyone else still thinks that the things I design are good, pretty and even awesome, but inside there's this conscience whispering repeatedly, " its sloppy, and the lazy ass artist could have done much better with a little more effort. it could have looked much better. it could have been much more awesome. you didn't do enough. you could have done more. you could have given a little more effort..."
It scares me that somewhere behind all their nice comments, there are a lot of complaints, big parts of the work needs to be corrected, but they should not try to demotivate their beloved friend by saying the work sucks. They have a good heart, they care a lot. But the repeated praises and the lack of critique... I need all the cursing and complaints on the work so much now... I wish they would just say whatever comes into their mind, whatever fault they see in the designs I stayed up nights for.
The praises are too much. The drawings need more work, more color, don't just accept it just because I am the only one responsible to make the design... Changing my designs one by one... they could have told me to make another design entirely, telling me that the original was crap, they will get a better artist for it, anything. Just say it to my face. Just say it.
Ah. But the feelings. The politeness.
My designs for the shirts was piles of sloppy crap.
xxx
Although it was a week-long holidays it was jammed-pack with activities, especially our uniformed unit's year camp, a.k.a. the annual intense exercises lol. Three days straight of being part of the committee for camps took the hell out of my body. So so dead tired.
I've never tried to be hyper and happy for so many days at once. The forced laughs has become natural and happiness and excitement can actually be felt, even if it was made from thin air. Being happy is all self talk, and it was merely a choice after all!
These two days were also the first times interacting with so many people within three hours. Maybe I can break away from my cold and quiet self? Being host of the base games during both the year camp and a big-scale combined camp was quite challenging xD The big camp was a failure though. The controlled hype today died out and the depression kicked in at the last hours, making me the only one missing out the huge group shot for the big camp, in the other room, listening to Big bang's songs and drizzle accompanied by blowing winds, basking in the the only atmosphere that feels like home---- solitude.
Because. The smiling faces of humiliated failing, is intolerable.
xxx
Tomorrow's the last Sunday available for sleeping in from now onwards. After all that mess of high, finally I get to spend the last day of my holiday tomorrow...
.... doing homework. Juuuust great.
The arts and designs I've been creating for a variety of uses have been very disappointing to myself. Everyone else still thinks that the things I design are good, pretty and even awesome, but inside there's this conscience whispering repeatedly, " its sloppy, and the lazy ass artist could have done much better with a little more effort. it could have looked much better. it could have been much more awesome. you didn't do enough. you could have done more. you could have given a little more effort..."
It scares me that somewhere behind all their nice comments, there are a lot of complaints, big parts of the work needs to be corrected, but they should not try to demotivate their beloved friend by saying the work sucks. They have a good heart, they care a lot. But the repeated praises and the lack of critique... I need all the cursing and complaints on the work so much now... I wish they would just say whatever comes into their mind, whatever fault they see in the designs I stayed up nights for.
The praises are too much. The drawings need more work, more color, don't just accept it just because I am the only one responsible to make the design... Changing my designs one by one... they could have told me to make another design entirely, telling me that the original was crap, they will get a better artist for it, anything. Just say it to my face. Just say it.
Ah. But the feelings. The politeness.
My designs for the shirts was piles of sloppy crap.
xxx
Although it was a week-long holidays it was jammed-pack with activities, especially our uniformed unit's year camp, a.k.a. the annual intense exercises lol. Three days straight of being part of the committee for camps took the hell out of my body. So so dead tired.
I've never tried to be hyper and happy for so many days at once. The forced laughs has become natural and happiness and excitement can actually be felt, even if it was made from thin air. Being happy is all self talk, and it was merely a choice after all!
These two days were also the first times interacting with so many people within three hours. Maybe I can break away from my cold and quiet self? Being host of the base games during both the year camp and a big-scale combined camp was quite challenging xD The big camp was a failure though. The controlled hype today died out and the depression kicked in at the last hours, making me the only one missing out the huge group shot for the big camp, in the other room, listening to Big bang's songs and drizzle accompanied by blowing winds, basking in the the only atmosphere that feels like home---- solitude.
Because. The smiling faces of humiliated failing, is intolerable.
xxx
Tomorrow's the last Sunday available for sleeping in from now onwards. After all that mess of high, finally I get to spend the last day of my holiday tomorrow...
.... doing homework. Juuuust great.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
60th post~ Talking about the start of my addiction~ beware of the long post~
Significant number you think? Well I've wasted my fiftieth post away so here's something special hahaa
Here I'mma talk about how i got into the fandom, and my tastes in kpop biases lol. I'll make out a list of who i like too.
Okay, so I got into the kpop fandom on April 23rd 2011. The reason why I remember is because it my uniformed unit at school decided to dance SHINee's Lucifer for the teacher's day performance. Because my cousins were already Kpop addicts I had the idea of what the fandom was about, and heard about SHINee before. First reaction: "Shiny?? Why the hell would they give such a name to a boy group instead of a girl group? lololol "
After receiving the news I checked out the dance version right away. I like to dance too but haven't been dancing formally for around five years, so the dance version got me excited.
I didn't really like the kpop thing at first because thats about the only thing that my two favorite cousins talk about and watch the whole day online. To me, it looked more like a waste of time and internet usage, and I was more loyal towards my manga stuff and anime songs. I had heard and even tried to dance NU ABO two years back but the fandom didn't really attracted my attention.
One of my best friends was a Shawol with an obsession with Taemin (when she had her own computer at home the first time, there wasn't an internet connection yet and the only entertaining thing in her new laptop was a HD music video of Lucifer, so she actually ended up watching that ten times a day lol), and she won't stop talking about SHINess either. "Oh dears another kpop fan..." I thought. Not that its bad, but the fact that they won't stop talking about it was a tad bit annoying...
At my cousin's I was repeating the dance practice video of Lucifer for a few times to learn the dance, it turned out to be quite enjoyable than expected, and it was rather easy to keep up with the cool dance, and the song was addicting too... then I noticed Taemin's super-cute smile...then I found myself admiring Jonghyun's shoulders instead dancing (and that was the main reason I checked out their member's profile too LOL) After finding more about the group, it was worth it to find Jonghyun such a hot eye-candy, so I stayed in the fandom LOLOL
Though I was watching only Jjong at first, my first true bias idol was KEY : D He was the first one I went crazy over. I even printed an A4-sized picture of him for the cover of my school file, so I can stare at him everyday xD I was never really obsessed about idols(or even real people, for that matter) and it was the first time I put anything aside from artwork as a cover !! Gaahhh
Then I proceeded to waste a majority of my ever-precious online time watching videos of them instead of learning useful stuff such as drawing, languages and crafting... well at least like that I have something to talk about with my cousin and friends :)
Then around mid July my main group shifted to Super Junior, along with the once-Shawol-friend, who now had Leeteuk as her phone wallpaper, screensaver, loading screen etc etc. Though I've watched the dance video of Sorry,Sorry around a million times the year before, again, it did not attract. The only thing I knew then was they were big in numbers. 13 members in one group was insane. After entering the fandom I only knew them as SHINee's sunbaes. Then I heard Bonamana.
The music video for that had lingered on the top of "recomended videos" on youtube, almost on every Shinee video I watch, but never had the thought of watching it. After hearing the song I decided give it a chance. Which hauled be further into the black hole of Kpop.
When I watched the mv for No Other, my thought was, " Wow these guys are alot hotter than SHINee." , never thought that it would be the first sign for a change of heart. Because they have an entirely different feel.
After watching a video on variety show segment, where they have to have a meal without laughing, even when having to use weird and unusable tools to eat. Eunhyuk couldn't hold his laugh everytime a tool was revealed, and got hit several times because of that, poor guy. But the infinite adorableness blasting out of his cute laughter made the world look as if it was made with peaches. Just by that video, he automatically became a full-time bias.
On a side note there was these guys i noticed when watching Suju dances, they have a special presence when dancing, but of course, I hadn't known who was who back then, thanks to the size of the group and the fact that I like seeing them dance more that looking at pictures. In Sorry,sorry, there was this guy in sunglasses, and gloves, in Bonamana, the smooth guy in goggles with a jacket around his waist, and the one with a fake scar on one eye with a trapper hat, in No Other, the cute guy with the sweet rap. These were the only ones that caught my attention.
It was after getting to know them more that I know they were all the same person-- the one who became my bias. Can you believe it?!?
The frenzy over Hyukkie lasted half a year, and became a little subtle just lately. Because. It's BIGBANG's COMEBACK.
I'm not sure when I started to love BB and 2ne1, but I know, from the first time I heard their songs, it was definite that they were made with pure epicness. I remember when Lies was a big hit back in 2007, it stuck in my head even though I just heard it once, and just knew it was a foreign language. Kpop was not even known around my area back then (when I even thought TVXQ was japanese, since they show up once in a while, and were the "normal" singers, not popular ones. What shock I had when finally knowing the size of their fanclub lol) .
The more I listen to BigBang's songs, the more I had to admit, they are true, pure talents. Every song they have to offer, are filled with nothing but overflowing awesomeness. No matter how much I say I love Super Junior, Bigbang is always at a slightly higher place. With 2ne1, their songs were the only ones that can heal my soul with a 100% rate of succession, and are the only songs that I can listen to, 24/7 all year round without getting sick. Really.
As of current, the main groups I listen to are:
BIGBANG -- oh all my heart and soul and all the awesomeness in my life
2NE1 -- my conscious TwT
Super Junior --fanservice i can't live without lol gotta love them
SHINee -- my first love ~
Epik High -- epicness. nuff said.
Infinite -- bunch of cute little dorks
S.M. The Ballad -- such amazing voices
Other not-so-main groups, just because I hadn't have the time to listen more, but I admire them lots:
T-ara -- haven't had the chance to hear more, they're so good xD
miss A
Wonder Girls -- their title songs are addictive xD
Brown Eyed Girls --adult idols hehehee
4minute~~
B2st
TVXQ&JYJ
KARA
SNSD -- they're pretty~ but for some reason i dislike them a bit
2pm, 2am
C.N. Blue
F.T. Island ( these two bands are awesome.. I regret not being able to make time for them : /)
I think I've listed pretty much all the recent significant groups in the kpop industy here lol
Some other groups that i like for some reason:
B1A4 -- they're somewhat weird lol
ZE:A -- ah, running balls of sunshine
U-kiss -- but their title songs feels redundant ...
After School -- not Orange Caramel though, they sometime creep the shit out of me lol
Girls day -- their fast paced cute choreography had incredible sync !!
Coed School -- How often you see mixed groups? their songs are cute heheh
Okay, now for my tastes lol
I like those who have overflowing adorableness, no dorks (though some dorkiness can be accepted), has a good heart and are not too loud. Appearance usually does not matter, since I don't seem to be attracted to those with "perfect faces" ( the only few exceptions being b1a4's Jinyoung and Ze:a's moonleader and Dongjun :B). If not they'll just have to be amusing (because everyone loves some daily Kim Heechul). The only bias allowed to be a super dork and make me lmao without sounding human is Daesung xD
Now for the list~ Ultimate Bias List as of 11Mar2012~ *insert twinkling sound effects*
1 Eunhyuk
2 Daesung
3 BigSpaceStar Kim Heechul
4 G-Dragon, T.O.P., Taeyang, Seungri (because they're just badass)
5 All 2NE1 members. Coolest unnies kyaaaaa
6 Leeteuk
7 Key
8 The rest of SuJu members (with exception of Shindong, and Zhoumi. they scare me for some reason)
9 The rest of SHINee members~ I still love them, yes.
10 Inpiniteu~!!
The list actually goes on and on but I'm tired now lol.
Here I'mma talk about how i got into the fandom, and my tastes in kpop biases lol. I'll make out a list of who i like too.
Okay, so I got into the kpop fandom on April 23rd 2011. The reason why I remember is because it my uniformed unit at school decided to dance SHINee's Lucifer for the teacher's day performance. Because my cousins were already Kpop addicts I had the idea of what the fandom was about, and heard about SHINee before. First reaction: "Shiny?? Why the hell would they give such a name to a boy group instead of a girl group? lololol "
After receiving the news I checked out the dance version right away. I like to dance too but haven't been dancing formally for around five years, so the dance version got me excited.
I didn't really like the kpop thing at first because thats about the only thing that my two favorite cousins talk about and watch the whole day online. To me, it looked more like a waste of time and internet usage, and I was more loyal towards my manga stuff and anime songs. I had heard and even tried to dance NU ABO two years back but the fandom didn't really attracted my attention.
One of my best friends was a Shawol with an obsession with Taemin (when she had her own computer at home the first time, there wasn't an internet connection yet and the only entertaining thing in her new laptop was a HD music video of Lucifer, so she actually ended up watching that ten times a day lol), and she won't stop talking about SHINess either. "Oh dears another kpop fan..." I thought. Not that its bad, but the fact that they won't stop talking about it was a tad bit annoying...
At my cousin's I was repeating the dance practice video of Lucifer for a few times to learn the dance, it turned out to be quite enjoyable than expected, and it was rather easy to keep up with the cool dance, and the song was addicting too... then I noticed Taemin's super-cute smile...then I found myself admiring Jonghyun's shoulders instead dancing (and that was the main reason I checked out their member's profile too LOL) After finding more about the group, it was worth it to find Jonghyun such a hot eye-candy, so I stayed in the fandom LOLOL
Though I was watching only Jjong at first, my first true bias idol was KEY : D He was the first one I went crazy over. I even printed an A4-sized picture of him for the cover of my school file, so I can stare at him everyday xD I was never really obsessed about idols(or even real people, for that matter) and it was the first time I put anything aside from artwork as a cover !! Gaahhh
Then I proceeded to waste a majority of my ever-precious online time watching videos of them instead of learning useful stuff such as drawing, languages and crafting... well at least like that I have something to talk about with my cousin and friends :)
Then around mid July my main group shifted to Super Junior, along with the once-Shawol-friend, who now had Leeteuk as her phone wallpaper, screensaver, loading screen etc etc. Though I've watched the dance video of Sorry,Sorry around a million times the year before, again, it did not attract. The only thing I knew then was they were big in numbers. 13 members in one group was insane. After entering the fandom I only knew them as SHINee's sunbaes. Then I heard Bonamana.
The music video for that had lingered on the top of "recomended videos" on youtube, almost on every Shinee video I watch, but never had the thought of watching it. After hearing the song I decided give it a chance. Which hauled be further into the black hole of Kpop.
When I watched the mv for No Other, my thought was, " Wow these guys are alot hotter than SHINee." , never thought that it would be the first sign for a change of heart. Because they have an entirely different feel.
After watching a video on variety show segment, where they have to have a meal without laughing, even when having to use weird and unusable tools to eat. Eunhyuk couldn't hold his laugh everytime a tool was revealed, and got hit several times because of that, poor guy. But the infinite adorableness blasting out of his cute laughter made the world look as if it was made with peaches. Just by that video, he automatically became a full-time bias.
On a side note there was these guys i noticed when watching Suju dances, they have a special presence when dancing, but of course, I hadn't known who was who back then, thanks to the size of the group and the fact that I like seeing them dance more that looking at pictures. In Sorry,sorry, there was this guy in sunglasses, and gloves, in Bonamana, the smooth guy in goggles with a jacket around his waist, and the one with a fake scar on one eye with a trapper hat, in No Other, the cute guy with the sweet rap. These were the only ones that caught my attention.
It was after getting to know them more that I know they were all the same person-- the one who became my bias. Can you believe it?!?
The frenzy over Hyukkie lasted half a year, and became a little subtle just lately. Because. It's BIGBANG's COMEBACK.
I'm not sure when I started to love BB and 2ne1, but I know, from the first time I heard their songs, it was definite that they were made with pure epicness. I remember when Lies was a big hit back in 2007, it stuck in my head even though I just heard it once, and just knew it was a foreign language. Kpop was not even known around my area back then (when I even thought TVXQ was japanese, since they show up once in a while, and were the "normal" singers, not popular ones. What shock I had when finally knowing the size of their fanclub lol) .
The more I listen to BigBang's songs, the more I had to admit, they are true, pure talents. Every song they have to offer, are filled with nothing but overflowing awesomeness. No matter how much I say I love Super Junior, Bigbang is always at a slightly higher place. With 2ne1, their songs were the only ones that can heal my soul with a 100% rate of succession, and are the only songs that I can listen to, 24/7 all year round without getting sick. Really.
As of current, the main groups I listen to are:
BIGBANG -- oh all my heart and soul and all the awesomeness in my life
2NE1 -- my conscious TwT
Super Junior --
SHINee -- my first love ~
Epik High -- epicness. nuff said.
Infinite -- bunch of cute little dorks
S.M. The Ballad -- such amazing voices
Other not-so-main groups, just because I hadn't have the time to listen more, but I admire them lots:
T-ara -- haven't had the chance to hear more, they're so good xD
miss A
Wonder Girls -- their title songs are addictive xD
Brown Eyed Girls --adult idols hehehee
4minute~~
B2st
TVXQ&JYJ
KARA
SNSD -- they're pretty~ but for some reason i dislike them a bit
2pm, 2am
C.N. Blue
F.T. Island ( these two bands are awesome.. I regret not being able to make time for them : /)
I think I've listed pretty much all the recent significant groups in the kpop industy here lol
Some other groups that i like for some reason:
B1A4 -- they're somewhat weird lol
ZE:A -- ah, running balls of sunshine
U-kiss -- but their title songs feels redundant ...
After School -- not Orange Caramel though, they sometime creep the shit out of me lol
Girls day -- their fast paced cute choreography had incredible sync !!
Coed School -- How often you see mixed groups? their songs are cute heheh
Okay, now for my tastes lol
I like those who have overflowing adorableness, no dorks (though some dorkiness can be accepted), has a good heart and are not too loud. Appearance usually does not matter, since I don't seem to be attracted to those with "perfect faces" ( the only few exceptions being b1a4's Jinyoung and Ze:a's moonleader and Dongjun :B). If not they'll just have to be amusing (because everyone loves some daily Kim Heechul). The only bias allowed to be a super dork and make me lmao without sounding human is Daesung xD
Now for the list~ Ultimate Bias List as of 11Mar2012~ *insert twinkling sound effects*
1 Eunhyuk
2 Daesung
3 BigSpaceStar Kim Heechul
4 G-Dragon, T.O.P., Taeyang, Seungri (because they're just badass)
5 All 2NE1 members. Coolest unnies kyaaaaa
6 Leeteuk
7 Key
8 The rest of SuJu members (with exception of Shindong, and Zhoumi. they scare me for some reason)
9 The rest of SHINee members~ I still love them, yes.
10 Inpiniteu~!!
The list actually goes on and on but I'm tired now lol.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
...
I claim not to understand a lot of things, but my subconscious can explain every single subject without missing detail. Some times my conscious can do that too, but with tremendous doubt. Oh what a failure.
--
There are a lot of people that I find highly admirable. To a weird extent maybe? It must be my subconscious again, not wanting life to be miserable, it will be much more easier to live when you like much about everything.
--
Social wise, I'm much of the one at the receiving end of entertainment. That actually explains a lot. Greed, lust, sloth, pride, fear... It needs effort to be in the middle of attention. Or maybe I'm just not good with words.
--
I love attention, but scared of the responsibility, and the consequences that comes with it. The power of influence towards others...
--
I try hard to have an excuse for everything. I don't want to be wrong so that would cushion me when I am. Does irresponsibility thrives in fear? If then I'm such a coward.
--
Its so hard to focus in anything lately. The only things I can focus on are listening to BigBang's songs, watching SuJu... and drawing, the lasting love of my life <3
But my life is much a of a mess.
--
Stepping into my teens, I've got to take control, take responsibility, grow up, grow thicker skin, meet a lot of people, go a lot of places, learn things, build skills... instead of keeping myself in and dwelling in fear and , doubt, and mistakes. That's right. I can't do that.
--
Also, I sleep too much.
--
What does the future have in store for me?
No.
What have I in mind of my future?
Its mine. I have to grasp it tightly.
--
Damn, losing focus again.
--
...
--
Why do you fear everything? Get bruised, lady!!! (or maybe a scar would work better.)
-----------------
Sunday, February 12, 2012
People that I wish I am :D
Yes, people say that being yourself is the way to have a healthy social life but since I don't really have a 'healthy social life' since like, fourth grade so it doesn't really makes much sense to me lol
Okay, maybe I do get a vague sense of it. But when you see these few people in the world being so, so cool.... almost godly, don't you wish that you were them, for, at least two seconds?! These guys, being their oh so smart selves, seem as if they could do anything, have the life they want while enjoying it to the fullest, having the control over people as they like...
The ones I meant are actually two particular guys are named Kim HeeChul and Orihara Izaya :D/shot
Some people might say, Orilala Izaya(oh those people won't care how it's spelled either) is not even a real person!!! I mean, so what? Watching over the city like an eagle, and can prop up situations, issues and even mobs just by pulling a few strings... How can you not be impressed? That is as close to godly as any mortal can be.
Well... if you still wondering, he's a character from 'Durarara!!'. Google that. Yes. Anime character.
And the Big Space Star Kim HeeChul. What else can I say? No one else can control his taste nor his exhibition of it, and he can express himself without much qualms and most people are still happy with him (to hell you all antis) :D Nuff' said.
But of course, no one can be Kim HeeChul aside from himself. Oh well.
Anyways.
I stayed up late yesterday so lunch was breakfast today :D Somehow it has been very very hot during the afternoon and stunk the living room because mommy had to clean the bathroom so I couldn't shower =3=
Meanwhile I was having severe headaches and can't finish the bottomless pile of assignments, so I surfed around dA... and found Ca Calne.
And therefore took the time to harass my own mind for the afternoon watching this, hoping it will scare off my headache. :D (warning: contains moderately disturbing scenes) :
Oh yeah, dim stuff is <3 (cause dark stuff still make me shit bricks lol)
Okay, maybe I do get a vague sense of it. But when you see these few people in the world being so, so cool.... almost godly, don't you wish that you were them, for, at least two seconds?! These guys, being their oh so smart selves, seem as if they could do anything, have the life they want while enjoying it to the fullest, having the control over people as they like...
The ones I meant are actually two particular guys are named Kim HeeChul and Orihara Izaya :D/shot
Some people might say, Orilala Izaya(oh those people won't care how it's spelled either) is not even a real person!!! I mean, so what? Watching over the city like an eagle, and can prop up situations, issues and even mobs just by pulling a few strings... How can you not be impressed? That is as close to godly as any mortal can be.
Well... if you still wondering, he's a character from 'Durarara!!'. Google that. Yes. Anime character.
And the Big Space Star Kim HeeChul. What else can I say? No one else can control his taste nor his exhibition of it, and he can express himself without much qualms and most people are still happy with him (to hell you all antis) :D Nuff' said.
But of course, no one can be Kim HeeChul aside from himself. Oh well.
Anyways.
I stayed up late yesterday so lunch was breakfast today :D Somehow it has been very very hot during the afternoon and stunk the living room because mommy had to clean the bathroom so I couldn't shower =3=
Meanwhile I was having severe headaches and can't finish the bottomless pile of assignments, so I surfed around dA... and found Ca Calne.
And therefore took the time to harass my own mind for the afternoon watching this, hoping it will scare off my headache. :D (warning: contains moderately disturbing scenes) :
Oh yeah, dim stuff is <3 (cause dark stuff still make me shit bricks lol)
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Oooh damn you sicknessss
I got struck by my stupid recurring sickness agaaiiin T.T dammitt
Freezing hands, cold feet,
Burning eyes, scorching throat,
Spinning head, itching insides,
and even horribly bitter saliva. How good is that.
It usually worsens by the day, worst during evenings, and usually heals the next day...
But I've been sick for three days already. Oh dears. And my head still hurts T.T
xxx
A few days ago I had this sudden craving to blog during the midnight, but my dad scolded me to sleep since I have to wake up at 6am for school the next morning =3= still my fault since I always complain of being sleep deprived orz . so no blogging for that day.
"no worries," I thought, "I can do it tomorrow : D"
(Yet I never got the chance to use the computer a few days since lol)
Then the next day I woke up sick. Its my recurring sickness. So I'm practically dysfunctional for the day. =3= Good thing there's no assignments due tomorrow. If not it's going to be hell...
" No biggy, I'll be okay tomorrow :D " .... well it usually does. Usually.
But no : ( . Even though I feel quite okay the next morning I went all "oh shit I need to type up the script for the stupid chinese oral test..." so i woke up around 4.30 to find some information for it online ... turned on the electrical switch and POP... there goes the laptop's power supply cable, busted. OH DEAR LAPTOPPIE HOW MANY PARTS OF YOU MUST FAILLLL ToT
Nevermind then...it's not my turn for the test anyways. ;;; (yaay for procrastinationnnn xDD)
Since staying home from school is definitely not and option (nor a choice allowed by my parents) I had to endure it while feeling horrible... and its just coincidence that PE is on Fridays.
Hell, that almost killed me. I couldn't really breathe after that class, and had to take a while to catch my soul on the way back to class, outside one of the classrooms. It didn't really help when that class is occupied by a discipline teacher, in a school which loitering is strictly prohibited, and not changing back to uniforms after PE is simply not allowed. Good thing he was looking the other way. =3=
Didn't get to go home until 6pm. Gaah.
xxx
Somehow I've been very miserable the last few days. I keep feeling as if people hate me secretly. And I keep feeling guilty about everything I did, and do not deserve everything I have, and not being able to do anything about it :(
I even had slight thoughts of suicide, but then again I don't want to end up in deep hell either lol and its just downright stupid and a proof of idiocy. Can't stop thinking of the wrong things at the wrong times.... I am much stronger than that, no? People had been through worse.
They say that being happy or sad is just a matter of choice, and everything you feel is caused solely by your state of mind, which you can easily control. I strongly believe that, but I guess I just chose to be miserable for the while.
I am a sadistic brat but I know that hurting others is not right. So I ended up torturing myself, as much as I hated it.
xxx
Then I thought of making myself feel better. Whats wrong of being happy anyways? ^^ Being optimistic just needs a tiny bit of effort ~ So now I'm kinda happy already :)
Eating and sleeping along with a refreshing shower are the basics cure for sadness. Especially eating and sleeping.
But instead I just got fat lol
xxx
Watching videos like this help too =w=
Though I don't really follow their fandom, I love them^^ they always give out this happy vibe xD So damn cute!!
Freezing hands, cold feet,
Burning eyes, scorching throat,
Spinning head, itching insides,
and even horribly bitter saliva. How good is that.
It usually worsens by the day, worst during evenings, and usually heals the next day...
But I've been sick for three days already. Oh dears. And my head still hurts T.T
xxx
A few days ago I had this sudden craving to blog during the midnight, but my dad scolded me to sleep since I have to wake up at 6am for school the next morning =3= still my fault since I always complain of being sleep deprived orz . so no blogging for that day.
"no worries," I thought, "I can do it tomorrow : D"
(Yet I never got the chance to use the computer a few days since lol)
Then the next day I woke up sick. Its my recurring sickness. So I'm practically dysfunctional for the day. =3= Good thing there's no assignments due tomorrow. If not it's going to be hell...
" No biggy, I'll be okay tomorrow :D " .... well it usually does. Usually.
But no : ( . Even though I feel quite okay the next morning I went all "oh shit I need to type up the script for the stupid chinese oral test..." so i woke up around 4.30 to find some information for it online ... turned on the electrical switch and POP... there goes the laptop's power supply cable, busted. OH DEAR LAPTOPPIE HOW MANY PARTS OF YOU MUST FAILLLL ToT
Nevermind then...it's not my turn for the test anyways. ;;; (yaay for procrastinationnnn xDD)
Since staying home from school is definitely not and option (nor a choice allowed by my parents) I had to endure it while feeling horrible... and its just coincidence that PE is on Fridays.
Hell, that almost killed me. I couldn't really breathe after that class, and had to take a while to catch my soul on the way back to class, outside one of the classrooms. It didn't really help when that class is occupied by a discipline teacher, in a school which loitering is strictly prohibited, and not changing back to uniforms after PE is simply not allowed. Good thing he was looking the other way. =3=
Didn't get to go home until 6pm. Gaah.
xxx
Somehow I've been very miserable the last few days. I keep feeling as if people hate me secretly. And I keep feeling guilty about everything I did, and do not deserve everything I have, and not being able to do anything about it :(
I even had slight thoughts of suicide, but then again I don't want to end up in deep hell either lol and its just downright stupid and a proof of idiocy. Can't stop thinking of the wrong things at the wrong times.... I am much stronger than that, no? People had been through worse.
They say that being happy or sad is just a matter of choice, and everything you feel is caused solely by your state of mind, which you can easily control. I strongly believe that, but I guess I just chose to be miserable for the while.
I am a sadistic brat but I know that hurting others is not right. So I ended up torturing myself, as much as I hated it.
xxx
Then I thought of making myself feel better. Whats wrong of being happy anyways? ^^ Being optimistic just needs a tiny bit of effort ~ So now I'm kinda happy already :)
Eating and sleeping along with a refreshing shower are the basics cure for sadness. Especially eating and sleeping.
But instead I just got fat lol
xxx
Watching videos like this help too =w=
Though I don't really follow their fandom, I love them^^ they always give out this happy vibe xD So damn cute!!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
feeling happy today... =w=
Its freaking hot today =A= ;;;;
Just went out with dad to take my yearbook picture, and getting a new keyboard and a usb hub for my laptop^^
My school makes it necessary to have an individual photo for graduates, for the school magazine~ since I'll be graduating this year it makes it compulsory to have it done. Judging by the previous editions of the magazine... uh.. you can say the pictures won't turn out very nice lol Which is why I've made a huge deal out of it to prepare this morning hahaaa and having a huge zit popping out just yesterday didn't help out much.... but until the hour before we went out I just thought, wth just finish it off so I can sleep soundly tonight lol
After that we went to get a keyboard for my lovely laptop~ Why does a laptop still need a keyboard? Because it is getting old kekekee
My faithful laptop has its
speaker broken,
1/2 of its USB ports not functioning,
lousy half-hour usage battery,
broken wi-fi
and until last week, its keyboard kept malfunctioning.
Therefore it needs an additional keyboard, Ethernet connection, headphones, and always an electrical supply. But I still love it as hell, since its the most personal laptop to me <3 and all my games and what i need is in here ( and I seem to be the only one in the house able to stand all it's flaws LOL) btw it is also turning 5 years old this year hehehee
My brother used to bring this around college but it's lounging at home since he got a new one. So I claimed it mine kekekeee And hey, I just found that he hid a Pokemon white game rom!! Why didn't he ever tell me!? alskdfjhwfsejklghasdkf I've been dying to play it xDD
today is another extra holiday by my school so I get to stay home~ wanna play pokemon but there's still a load of commissions to rush on. And there's still this English discussion essay to finish too. I used to be okay with essays but this time its hard as shet. my skills and memory is failing me. : /
I'm feeling abnormally happy now. It must be the excessive smiling practice this morning hehehee
Just went out with dad to take my yearbook picture, and getting a new keyboard and a usb hub for my laptop^^
My school makes it necessary to have an individual photo for graduates, for the school magazine~ since I'll be graduating this year it makes it compulsory to have it done. Judging by the previous editions of the magazine... uh.. you can say the pictures won't turn out very nice lol Which is why I've made a huge deal out of it to prepare this morning hahaaa and having a huge zit popping out just yesterday didn't help out much.... but until the hour before we went out I just thought, wth just finish it off so I can sleep soundly tonight lol
After that we went to get a keyboard for my lovely laptop~ Why does a laptop still need a keyboard? Because it is getting old kekekee
My faithful laptop has its
speaker broken,
1/2 of its USB ports not functioning,
lousy half-hour usage battery,
broken wi-fi
and until last week, its keyboard kept malfunctioning.
Therefore it needs an additional keyboard, Ethernet connection, headphones, and always an electrical supply. But I still love it as hell, since its the most personal laptop to me <3 and all my games and what i need is in here ( and I seem to be the only one in the house able to stand all it's flaws LOL) btw it is also turning 5 years old this year hehehee
My brother used to bring this around college but it's lounging at home since he got a new one. So I claimed it mine kekekeee And hey, I just found that he hid a Pokemon white game rom!! Why didn't he ever tell me!? alskdfjhwfsejklghasdkf I've been dying to play it xDD
today is another extra holiday by my school so I get to stay home~ wanna play pokemon but there's still a load of commissions to rush on. And there's still this English discussion essay to finish too. I used to be okay with essays but this time its hard as shet. my skills and memory is failing me. : /
I'm feeling abnormally happy now. It must be the excessive smiling practice this morning hehehee
Thursday, February 2, 2012
I am such a disappointing person. Do you agree?
Watching the page views of my post climbing and dropping ever so patheticly somehow make people think that way. But seriously I am, much contented with my progress. So just firetruck what people say =3=
I have no confidence, no discipline, not hard-working, no responsibility whatsoever. Well, at least according to my parents lol. They might not have noticed it, but they certainly have made it natural to poke fun at my every unsuccessful "achievements" and insult everything that I adore, which, IMO makes me "humble" in a very unhealthy way, as I couldn't tell people about my accomplishments without having tremendous guilt. =3= Even I try very hard to be happy at the nice compliments all those lovely people give, the feeling embarrassment and shame of myself would be directly proportional to the happiness no matter how non-existent it SHOULD be. I crave of approval so damn much.
"this girl is blaming everything on others again. what an embarrassment."-- what they might say after reading the paragraph above lol I don't mean to do that, really. I love my parents. Maybe just too much to agree on every single comment they have on my attitudes. I DO need more self-confidence LOL
"she's crying again. Oh god. How can you ever tell her about anything. Such a weakling."
Familiar? Yes that is a water bubble. It becomes water when you accidentally touch it.
One of the reasons all my posts ends up being narcissistic rants because I feel that I need a great deal of self-definition -and confidence- that was lost sometime in the blurry past. I will take my own responsibility and not blame this on my parents, however much my irresponsibility wishes to. Just to cut down on sins.
I don't want to come across as rude, disrespectful and ignorant to people. But then again don't want to really care as well.
...
"she wouldn't listen no matter what you tell her!"
well I did, every single breath. How about you?
They hardly ever listen to what I *try* to tell. They couldn't even notice my comments most of the time. Worse still, being slightly deaf in one ear, my ma just commented about hearing how loud neighbours across the street are talking when watching the telly. Just wow.
But I don't blame it on them either, since what I say would be either unconstructive, unneeded, stupid, idiotic, insulting(okay my bad here), and sometimes redundant. And rendered so quietly so that people won't find it annoying. So that no one could hear it. Which is why I never complain about how many page views I get. It is expressed yet it won't get any attention, so it will not hurt anyone.Tomato theory.
And then everything goes spiralling down.
...
Then again I really need to take a bruise. Or even a cut. And grow thicker skin. Oh just let me have metal skin and regenerative ability =3= and compliment and love others more. This is the first time that I've actually spilled out everything that I kept so long. Profuse self-sympathy finally in black and white. Now I could finally get over all of that misery LOL
Oh dears. What would dad and mum think if they see this? Being surprised and caring about what I think about myself would be at the bottom of the list.
"She's just being useless again."
By that, it proves that they have confidence in me that I will never hurt myself. For that, I am truly happy :) Love you mommy. Love you daddy. Good night people.
I have no confidence, no discipline, not hard-working, no responsibility whatsoever. Well, at least according to my parents lol. They might not have noticed it, but they certainly have made it natural to poke fun at my every unsuccessful "achievements" and insult everything that I adore, which, IMO makes me "humble" in a very unhealthy way, as I couldn't tell people about my accomplishments without having tremendous guilt. =3= Even I try very hard to be happy at the nice compliments all those lovely people give, the feeling embarrassment and shame of myself would be directly proportional to the happiness no matter how non-existent it SHOULD be. I crave of approval so damn much.
"this girl is blaming everything on others again. what an embarrassment."-- what they might say after reading the paragraph above lol I don't mean to do that, really. I love my parents. Maybe just too much to agree on every single comment they have on my attitudes. I DO need more self-confidence LOL
"she's crying again. Oh god. How can you ever tell her about anything. Such a weakling."
Familiar? Yes that is a water bubble. It becomes water when you accidentally touch it.
One of the reasons all my posts ends up being narcissistic rants because I feel that I need a great deal of self-definition -and confidence- that was lost sometime in the blurry past. I will take my own responsibility and not blame this on my parents, however much my irresponsibility wishes to. Just to cut down on sins.
I don't want to come across as rude, disrespectful and ignorant to people. But then again don't want to really care as well.
...
"she wouldn't listen no matter what you tell her!"
well I did, every single breath. How about you?
They hardly ever listen to what I *try* to tell. They couldn't even notice my comments most of the time. Worse still, being slightly deaf in one ear, my ma just commented about hearing how loud neighbours across the street are talking when watching the telly. Just wow.
But I don't blame it on them either, since what I say would be either unconstructive, unneeded, stupid, idiotic, insulting(okay my bad here), and sometimes redundant. And rendered so quietly so that people won't find it annoying. So that no one could hear it. Which is why I never complain about how many page views I get. It is expressed yet it won't get any attention, so it will not hurt anyone.Tomato theory.
And then everything goes spiralling down.
...
Then again I really need to take a bruise. Or even a cut. And grow thicker skin. Oh just let me have metal skin and regenerative ability =3= and compliment and love others more. This is the first time that I've actually spilled out everything that I kept so long. Profuse self-sympathy finally in black and white. Now I could finally get over all of that misery LOL
Oh dears. What would dad and mum think if they see this? Being surprised and caring about what I think about myself would be at the bottom of the list.
"She's just being useless again."
By that, it proves that they have confidence in me that I will never hurt myself. For that, I am truly happy :) Love you mommy. Love you daddy. Good night people.
Monday, January 30, 2012
School so far and ...more self-rant/shot
School restarts after a week of Chinese New Year holidays, and there'll be an open-house event tomorrow night, which we'll be having a dance performance. By dance performance, you might think of those cool street dance and rad hip-hop music (or at least i would), but no, heh.
We'll be performing a goody traditional Chinese fan-dance kekekeee =w=
There was some practice at school today, but the dance break in the middle of the performance( cool hip hop poppin' & krumping yo!) by my little cute brother had to be left empty for a while since the shota had to attend school, much to the supervisor-organizer's displease ( which she releases unto our dance leader... i still feel so bad about it T.T) After a few rounds of the dance one of our teachers gave compliment, much to my surprise since I kept being distracted ...and forgetting the moves... and didn't bring my fans... oh great the guilt is killing me.
Talking to people is just not my thing =3= Its been like decades since a joke has been executed smoothly from my mouth (decades, as in, since past life? lol). Describing things properly would also take me a trip to hell and back, which doesn't really help in any way of communication. It also makes listening to me a torturous activity hahhaaaaa
Even though I would claim that English is my best subject in school, its a total fail, obviously. orz ... it just seems good, judging by the level of English studies in my class (or the scores of all the other subjects on my results script ). I also tend to express myself in an abnormal syntax, along with non-logical reasons. Kudos to all my friends and family who could understand all those weird mumbles and rants. It would certainly need mind-reading beings to conceive my thoughts....
Apologies, I was ranting about myself again ... I had a lot of confronting to do @@
Anyways, I still have to work out the choreography with my little bro, and just noticed that I should get of the blog a while for that, so nitez guys ^^
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Current status: Zombie
One.
It has been quite a stressful week, still the start of the year. I don't really feel the stress though, with my ever enjoying mode, but my body tells me that it needs serious calming down, rebooting and sleep, haahha. Panda eyes are turning zombie-ish everytime you see a reflective surface @@
I hadn't been really updating this blog with fresh juice these few days, and the feel for writing didn't appear either. Heck, i hadn't even have a single entry for my personal (RL) diary since school started. The colorful pens can't be wasted just on school notes~!! xDD
Two.
I've been very, very willing to talk (and even being loud) today. Somehow I was able to lead (?) our club's meeting, respond to people whom i normally wouldn't, and accept people that i didn't really like.Which has never really happened before. But somehow I don't think I did good and people look a bit offended. Because I'm just the kind of anti-social idiot that would not talk even if I had to. Maybe because of that I feel like shit after all that socializing. Too much self conscious and self doubt is just that horrible. Such a failure. Just what the hell does people like to hear about?
Three.
Falling in love with your own work is more than amazing. A creation that i started on 2010 which i deserted and almost abandoned, looked so beautiful again by the evening sun. An unfinished clay ball-jointed doll, sitting on my workdesk for almost a year.
She was not even decent and would even make me puke meals comparing to pretty dolls by professional companies. But somehow she was so beautiful today that i finished her abandoned wig-in-progress. And adjusted the tiresome stringing in her head. And stared at her for only more than 5 hours. Just.
And somehow it didn't even feel awkward anymore, when calling her 'my daughter' ever so affectionately. It did feel very absurd before, and didn't think i'd love her as much. My parents couldn't stand me referring her as their granddaughter though LOL
My daughter is so pretty :D I shall post pictures of her soon.
x x x x x x
Anyhow, I've been seriously sleep-deprived due to the workload (which has an non-existent infinity superscript ) and is very tired since returning from school (on Monday lol). Yet its midnight and I'm still here typing :D
It has been quite a stressful week, still the start of the year. I don't really feel the stress though, with my ever enjoying mode, but my body tells me that it needs serious calming down, rebooting and sleep, haahha. Panda eyes are turning zombie-ish everytime you see a reflective surface @@
I hadn't been really updating this blog with fresh juice these few days, and the feel for writing didn't appear either. Heck, i hadn't even have a single entry for my personal (RL) diary since school started. The colorful pens can't be wasted just on school notes~!! xDD
Two.
I've been very, very willing to talk (and even being loud) today. Somehow I was able to lead (?) our club's meeting, respond to people whom i normally wouldn't, and accept people that i didn't really like.Which has never really happened before. But somehow I don't think I did good and people look a bit offended. Because I'm just the kind of anti-social idiot that would not talk even if I had to. Maybe because of that I feel like shit after all that socializing. Too much self conscious and self doubt is just that horrible. Such a failure. Just what the hell does people like to hear about?
Three.
Falling in love with your own work is more than amazing. A creation that i started on 2010 which i deserted and almost abandoned, looked so beautiful again by the evening sun. An unfinished clay ball-jointed doll, sitting on my workdesk for almost a year.
She was not even decent and would even make me puke meals comparing to pretty dolls by professional companies. But somehow she was so beautiful today that i finished her abandoned wig-in-progress. And adjusted the tiresome stringing in her head. And stared at her for only more than 5 hours. Just.
And somehow it didn't even feel awkward anymore, when calling her 'my daughter' ever so affectionately. It did feel very absurd before, and didn't think i'd love her as much. My parents couldn't stand me referring her as their granddaughter though LOL
My daughter is so pretty :D I shall post pictures of her soon.
x x x x x x
Anyhow, I've been seriously sleep-deprived due to the workload (which has an non-existent infinity superscript ) and is very tired since returning from school (on Monday lol). Yet its midnight and I'm still here typing :D
Friday, December 23, 2011
What the hell has happened? (warning!!profuse self rant!!)
Mom says we're addicted to computers lol. Somehow it is funny to my ears but its also true. With three computers in the house currently, we kids in the house has one each while dad and mom are busy xDD
To my brothers, it might just be games and all, but to me, its just another form of escapism, and since i am addicted to that too so being glued to the computer ain't too abnormal either, no? 5++ hours on the computer is just killing my eyesight but it makes me much, MUCH happier than having all sorts of obsessive worrying in my brain (not that its very bad to worry).
*starts self talk and rant*
And yes, though i claim that i am much less depressed than i was long ago, it actually just got alot more worse. It seems better now because, at least i am able to get all happy and excited instead of the daily moody-moody-sad back then.
I am hardly sure about anything happens in life now, except one thing. I owe most of this happiness to dancing and Kpop. This is why i will never forget and will always support my first bias group, SHINee and my current bias group SuJu <3
but at its core, of course, nothing would have happened without our lovely parents. they provided everything. We owe our whole life to them. I am forever grateful to my parents. It is so, so wrong that i take everything they offer for granted and want anything more from them . But if i don't take from them, who else can i go to?
Ihavsomanythingthatiwanttotellmyparentsaboutbutsomehowicouldn't... theymightnotthinkthatmyproblemsareaproblemsincetheyhavenottheproblembefore and imightbethinkingtoomuchthatproblemswhichdoesn'texistbecomesaproblem orz
i so fooking fail at communicating T,T
i actually got through this year without really talking to more than five people from my class if you can believe it. people, especially loud ones intimidate me T.T but anyhow i feel so sorry to everyone i know... i ignore people too much... i don't care when i should... i ... i am too self absorbed.
i am aware that i talk about myself too much at a non-stop interval but somehow i feel the need to drain out everything in know somehow because it feels so horrible with all these thought tornadoes in my mind i have to get them all out somehow and oh the hell i'm getting so annoyingly redundant why the hell i am like this but its okay because its a form of self-growth right? RIGHT???? okay i should stop now ><
*ends rant*
I am really really confused and unsure what will I become if things goes on as it is now. The year end holidays will end in another week and it'll be the final year of secondary school... which means there will be a huge exam that will have a 50% chance of determining my future and i am not ready for either of those happening yet ><
i always thought that i have infinite youth lol really can't believe that its coming to an end so fast!!! just three more years, man!! I don't wan't to frickin get old yeeettttt ~ let me be a kiddy forever ~~~T.T
To my brothers, it might just be games and all, but to me, its just another form of escapism, and since i am addicted to that too so being glued to the computer ain't too abnormal either, no? 5++ hours on the computer is just killing my eyesight but it makes me much, MUCH happier than having all sorts of obsessive worrying in my brain (not that its very bad to worry).
*starts self talk and rant*
And yes, though i claim that i am much less depressed than i was long ago, it actually just got alot more worse. It seems better now because, at least i am able to get all happy and excited instead of the daily moody-moody-sad back then.
I am hardly sure about anything happens in life now, except one thing. I owe most of this happiness to dancing and Kpop. This is why i will never forget and will always support my first bias group, SHINee and my current bias group SuJu <3
but at its core, of course, nothing would have happened without our lovely parents. they provided everything. We owe our whole life to them. I am forever grateful to my parents. It is so, so wrong that i take everything they offer for granted and want anything more from them . But if i don't take from them, who else can i go to?
Ihavsomanythingthatiwanttotellmyparentsaboutbutsomehowicouldn't... theymightnotthinkthatmyproblemsareaproblemsincetheyhavenottheproblembefore and imightbethinkingtoomuchthatproblemswhichdoesn'texistbecomesaproblem orz
i so fooking fail at communicating T,T
i actually got through this year without really talking to more than five people from my class if you can believe it. people, especially loud ones intimidate me T.T but anyhow i feel so sorry to everyone i know... i ignore people too much... i don't care when i should... i ... i am too self absorbed.
i am aware that i talk about myself too much at a non-stop interval but somehow i feel the need to drain out everything in know somehow because it feels so horrible with all these thought tornadoes in my mind i have to get them all out somehow and oh the hell i'm getting so annoyingly redundant why the hell i am like this but its okay because its a form of self-growth right? RIGHT???? okay i should stop now ><
*ends rant*
I am really really confused and unsure what will I become if things goes on as it is now. The year end holidays will end in another week and it'll be the final year of secondary school... which means there will be a huge exam that will have a 50% chance of determining my future and i am not ready for either of those happening yet ><
i always thought that i have infinite youth lol really can't believe that its coming to an end so fast!!! just three more years, man!! I don't wan't to frickin get old yeeettttt ~ let me be a kiddy forever ~~~T.T
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Solving emotional problems
Maybe I try too hard to stay neutral. I never really blame anyone for anything. Because that is just wrong.
Worse if you ever expressed that you do blame someone. People never like it when others blame them for what they think they did not do. That is why, never blame anyone.
Even if its someone's fault, never make it look like one. When something actually happens, expressions like "that's how you are" and "you are always like this" will never really help unless the subject has control and conscious over where has to be corrected. Because if they really don't know, it will only create anger and frustration.
People never automatically know where their wrong is most of the time. The fact that we never really do is because we are just human, no matter how much we hate it. We can never know everything. This is why we should correct ourselves if we do. This is also why we should be grateful when others are willing to point out our mistakes.
Sometimes its not easy to change our reactions to certain situations. In my opinion, reacting badly or emotionally to things is certainly normal. Even if we understand where our wrongs are, it might not be easily corrected. Sometimes, changing our opinions to things feels like losing ourselves. But it helps to acknowledge the problem does not always lie in ourselves either?
Anyhow. I believe that we can do anything, as long as we have the faith and the will. Any problems and obstacles, we can overcome.
I don't want to ever lose control over myself. But still, I do. Because we might hurt people unknowingly and even consciously. It feels horrible. Everyone else's happiness is of utmost priority.
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