Today....ah...lets just say my emotional side was not being too appreciative to the other few sides of myself. To put it blatantly, it has an immense dislike towards me. Yes, it is only the problem of that particular side, because my random side and rational side are conscious and are trying hard to shut her up lol

The thing is, since two years ago my mind won't stop reminding myself about almost everything for any given time I am trying to think. Thanks to that, my head is always filled with jumbled up thoughts about random insignificant or unimportant stuff which highly affects attention and thinking efficiency.

Nothing can go on without being uninterrupted and nothing can go in order. Right now in the inconsistent mind you can find bananas, drama, self-blaming, irresponsible thoughts, food, rational thinking, dances, drawings, kpop, unicorns and on and on and on. Its giving me and my grades a very very hard time now.

 And now its trying to blame it on people i know whom i shouldn't blame on because irresponsibility is bad and the problem that i can't think straight is still not solved and i should be doing my homework because if i shouldn't my mom would be even more mad than the teachers who don't really see a problem with it but there's the problem lies even though i know it is actually my problem that i wouldn't want to admit but its so depressing that these thoughts bombard continuously that i should try ending it right here. There.

There are still so many things that i want and wish to do, but all that my mother forbids for the sake of my grades and my future. Not that its bad because I tend to do a freaking lot of irrelevant stuff instead of what I should be doing, which believe it or not has been going on for years. But thinking about that future coming my way at light speed, I can't help but imagining that I'll be stuck in an ice-cold cubicle typing away the whole day and returning home tired and depressed just to be knocked out by sleep, and waking up the next day just to rinse and repeat. Then I'll get so horrendously fat that my mom wouldn't recognize me when i get the rare chance to go home during weekends. The only 0.001 chance of getting more free time and money is to study very hard by sacrificing what makes me feel alive. The thought of that is so damn depressing. Why the hell won't my optimism work at times like this?

Raaaaaaaaawr. Go away all you evil thoughts!! \(>3<)/

Gaah.

So the thing this time is. My friends have the thought of cosplaying at school for the co-curriculum day because since we are the Art Club, it would be a very fun way to be walking posters for our club. (I have dance performance that night too.) I was reluctant about the cosplaying at first because of the time and cost we needed to invest in the middle of study, but my friends were excited about it. Half  of the art club committee were not really Japan-ifans though, so I asked if some other friends would play along. With that some other closer friends were delighted at the idea too, which made me so happy, since i get to try my first time cosplaying with geeks as crazy as myself!! ...we made a lot of plans on where to get materials and printed reference pictures for making the costumes....

...until I told my mom, who wholly agrees with my rational thinking. End of happy story. Now I just have to apologize to everyone for giving them false hope of playing together, and cancel every promise and appointment made.

On the bright side, there's less of the hassle and I get to study more, which now seems to be an all-kill option designed to shoot me down from cloud nine without fail every single freaking time, as beneficial as it is. I really don't want to hate studying. Because I love studying too.

xxx

Somehow lately I have the constant feeling that everyone dislikes me. They seem to find me annoying or so much a douche but will not say it because of the usual politeness. As much as I'm afraid of being scolded, I'd rather to have them swear in my face every time they feel like it instead of being nice to me 24/7. To put it bluntly, by being nice they make me feel like a bad person and do not deserve all the good they offer.

vvvvvvvv


Enough of the bad side, now for accomplishments!

1--I finally had the courage to converse decently with my teacher, in English!! Hooray!! Oh dear pineapples I've should have tried doing that years ago zzzz

2--I got cool grades for this time's exam!! (because I am certain that they do not certify as "good" grades lol)

I scored A's for half of the subjects and failed the other half!! How cool is that??!

Well, actually only 75% and above qualifies as A's but I got 74% for freaking THREE subjects (oh the ironies) so i decided to consider them as As. AYEs. *continues to deceive herself*

3--And I finally succeeded to hand up a Chinese essay on time!! Yays!! (Well, not that I haven't done that before, but succeeding in handing up 1/5 essays that the teacher assigns is not that bad either, no? since my classmates never even acknowledge the existence of essay homework...)

4-- Oh and I had enough sleep yesterday!! no more feeling narcoleptic! Good for me!!

Achievements achievements kekekkeekeee
Gotta keep them up! x)

Yays.

The feeling of failure. ugh.

The arts and designs I've been creating for a variety of uses have been very disappointing to myself. Everyone else still thinks that the things I design are good, pretty and even awesome, but inside there's this conscience whispering repeatedly, " its sloppy, and the lazy ass artist could have done much better with a little more effort. it could have looked much better. it could have been much more awesome. you didn't do enough. you could have done more. you could have given a little more effort..."

It scares me that somewhere behind all their nice comments, there are a lot of complaints, big parts of the work needs to be corrected, but they should not try to demotivate their beloved friend by saying the work sucks. They have a good heart, they care a lot. But the repeated praises and the lack of critique... I need all the cursing and complaints on the work so much now... I wish they would just say whatever comes into their mind, whatever fault they see in the designs I stayed up nights for.

The praises are too much. The drawings need more work, more color, don't just accept it just because I am the only one responsible to make the design... Changing my designs one by one... they could have told me to make another design entirely, telling me that the original was crap, they will get a better artist for it, anything.  Just say it to my face. Just say it.

Ah. But the feelings. The politeness.

My designs for the shirts was piles of sloppy crap.

xxx

Although it was a week-long holidays it was jammed-pack with activities, especially our uniformed unit's year camp, a.k.a. the annual intense exercises lol. Three days straight of being part of the committee for camps took the hell out of my body. So so dead tired.

I've never tried to be hyper and happy for so many days at once. The forced laughs has become natural and  happiness and excitement can actually be felt, even if it was made from thin air. Being happy is all self talk, and it was merely a choice after all!

These two days were also the first times interacting with so many people within three hours. Maybe I can break away from my cold and quiet self? Being host of the base games during both the year camp and a big-scale combined camp was quite challenging xD The big camp was a failure though. The controlled hype today died out and the depression kicked in at the last hours, making me the only one missing out the huge group shot for the big camp, in the other room, listening to Big bang's songs and drizzle accompanied by blowing winds, basking in the the only atmosphere that feels like home---- solitude.

Because. The smiling faces of humiliated failing, is intolerable.

xxx

Tomorrow's the last Sunday available for sleeping in from now onwards. After all that mess of high, finally I get to spend the last day of my holiday tomorrow...

.... doing homework. Juuuust great.

The happiest days since school started xD

Ah... it surely feels much relaxing to do art  homework... Finally I get to draw some stuff without worrying about anything else!!

Its also nice since this time's assignment gives me a chance to do some research on shoes, something I was never been able to draw well xD and besides that it also gave me an excuse to be in front of the computer longer, finding references of pretty shoes and beautiful sea life <3

*17 FEB 2012*

Talking about sea life, we had an art project during the art club meeting at school too! As the vice-chairman of the club, I get to help Pn.Mazwin, the teacher in charge(our lovely art teacer, who also teaches art class^^) to make preparations for the members (which I had to skip some  boring classes for, because of the teacher's procrastination lol *yays*. btw the PE class before that almost killed me again, making this a great chance to get rest haha). 

The project for this week is tile art!! We get to paint on white tiles with glass paint ~ Since I was one of the students who could draw better, the art teacher made me in charge of making a sample (which means my project will get higher priority too xD). Well, the teacher wanted me to copy another drawing instead, but since it was a cute little mollusk I'm not complaining xD Yes its a nautilus,but they all call it a "sotong" (squid)  lol

So i copied it onto the tile, chose three colours and the teacher started colouring it (since I'm sorta colour blind and tone deaf orz). The three colours were blue, blue and blue~ !I love blue so much I don't care if it turns out monotoned kekekeee

Pn.Mazwin helping me out with colour ^^

Neon Blue mollusk FTW! xDD

 the original drawing was very pretty too! wonder who drew it.

Too bad we just got one hour so nobody finished anything but the sketch. To be continued next meeting~

*18 FEB 2012*

Woke up for lunch because of staying up late... More of this unhealthy lifestyle you'll get a panda for selcas~!

I wanted to clean up my room during the day but ended up doing nothing at all orz. Failure.

Basically I was in front of the computer for the whole day finding references for art assignment. Canvas shoes, painted shoes, fishes, corals... *excuses excuses*

... okay confessions: I was watching ZE:A, ZE:A and more  ZE:A xDD

Somehow me and my friend are starting to go crazy over them since this week lol. Even while staying back at school to discuss a dance for the upcoming camp we decided to learn Mazeltov kekekeee  Can never resist the charm of pretty boys! Especially the handsome Moonleader <3  find it hard picking a bias for now though xD 

Just <3

Lastly, had mashed potatoes for dinner~ sculpted a cute little skull halfway through~

 ***

*19 FEB 2012*

Had moar mashed potatoes for breakfast today 

Okay okay, enough potatoes.

Here's my homework so far~ never really drawn anything seriously for the while...

 

I seriously need to do revision instead of all these lol

Going out to cousin's house later to print some stuff. That's it for now ! Sorry for the photo barage though.