I am such a disappointing person. Do you agree?

Watching the page views of my post climbing and dropping ever so patheticly somehow make people think that way. But seriously I am, much contented with my progress. So just firetruck what people say =3=

I have no confidence, no discipline, not hard-working, no responsibility whatsoever. Well, at least according to my parents lol. They might not have noticed it, but they certainly have made it natural to poke fun at my every unsuccessful "achievements" and insult everything that I adore, which, IMO makes me "humble" in a very unhealthy way, as I couldn't tell people about my accomplishments without having tremendous guilt. =3= Even I try very hard to be happy at the nice compliments all those lovely people give, the feeling embarrassment and shame of myself would be directly proportional to the happiness no matter how non-existent it SHOULD be. I crave of approval so damn much.

"this girl is blaming everything on others again. what an embarrassment."-- what they might say after reading the paragraph above lol I don't mean to do that, really. I love my parents. Maybe just too much to agree on every single comment they have on my attitudes. I DO need more self-confidence LOL

"she's crying again. Oh god. How can you ever tell her about anything. Such a weakling."

Familiar? Yes that is a water bubble. It becomes water when you accidentally touch it.

One of the reasons all my posts ends up being narcissistic rants because I feel that I need a great deal of self-definition -and confidence- that was lost sometime  in the blurry past. I will take my own responsibility and not blame this on my parents, however much my irresponsibility wishes to. Just to cut down on sins.

I don't want to come across as rude, disrespectful and ignorant to people. But then again don't want to really care as well.

...

"she wouldn't listen no matter what you tell her!"

well I did, every single breath. How about you?

They hardly ever listen to what I *try* to tell. They couldn't even notice my comments most of the time. Worse still, being slightly deaf in one ear, my ma just commented about hearing how loud neighbours across the street are talking when watching the telly. Just wow.

But I don't blame it on them either, since what I say would be either unconstructive, unneeded, stupid, idiotic, insulting(okay my bad here), and sometimes redundant. And rendered so quietly so that people won't find it annoying. So that no one could hear it. Which is why I never complain about how many page views I get. It is expressed yet it won't get any attention, so it will not hurt anyone.Tomato theory.

And then everything goes spiralling down.

...

Then again I really need to take a bruise. Or even a cut. And grow thicker skin. Oh just let me have metal skin and regenerative ability =3= and compliment and love others more. This is the first time that I've actually spilled out everything that I kept so long. Profuse self-sympathy finally in black and white. Now I could finally get over all of that misery LOL

Oh dears. What would dad and mum think if they see this? Being surprised and caring about what I think about myself would be at the bottom of the list.

"She's just being useless again."

By that, it proves that they have confidence in me that I will never hurt myself. For that, I am truly happy :) Love you mommy. Love you daddy. Good night people.